30 Days, Almost There...

Day 4: If you don’t like your story, write a new one. 

This is definitely one of my favorite lessons and one that I continue to learn and apply as time goes on.  The idea here is fairly simple.  Throughout the course of our lives, we develop stories about ourselves based on experiences we have.  Obviously, you are the main character of your story, while the setting and plot changes over time.  The stories we build up become filed in our brains and we tend to relive these stories over and over again.  We retell them, we identify with them, we define ourselves by them.  You become what you believe and often we believe in the stories we tell about ourselves, especially when we tell them for so long: I’m fat; I’m scared of heights; I’m damaged; I attract the wrong men; I’m becoming my mother; pick your poison, whatever it may be, we all have stories that we have been telling about ourselves forever.  The trick to it all, though, is you only live that reality because you insist on buying into it.  And it really is that simple.  We hang onto the stories of our past whether or not those stories are serving us in the present.  Take a minute to think about some of the things you believe about yourself – are those ideas serving you in a positive way right now?  For the longest time, I identified myself only as a poor girl who came from a broken home and a dysfunctional family, with heavy baggage that I believed only I could carry.  That was the story I let rerun in my head and what I would admit to others when the conversation veered in my direction.  Now, I don’t believe in any of that anymore.  Did those things happen to me?  Yes, of course and, in large part, helped me become the woman I am today.  But do those things define me?  Absolutely not.  They are just things that happened to me; they are, by no means, who I am.  You can’t change your past; you can only choose how you use it to move yourself forward.  So, I started to tell myself a new story about who I am and I have continued to create new stories for myself.  I am a strong woman who has survived a great deal.  I am a beautiful woman, who has created life and has ownership over her mind and body.  I am a smart woman, who has earned her keep and makes an effort to learn something new every single day.  These are just a few of my stories.  Sure, there are days when those old stories sneak up on me and try to find a place in my current library.  Days when I feel like I could very easily become that girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders, a couple of dimes to her name and no one to help shoulder the burden.  But then I look around me and see all that I have gained in each area of my life and I am reminded that I only have to be that girl if I want to be.  You don’t have to be a writer to rewrite the stories you tell yourself.  Every story has chapters in it that are painful and hard to read.  But you have a certain amount of control over how you let those chapters shape your life and, ultimately, how you get your happy ending.  You have all the control over what you choose to believe both about the world and about yourself.  Identify what your stories are and, if you don’t like the way they sound or the path they seem to be leading you down, start the rewrite of your own life. 

Day 5: The bigget the hurt, the bigger the lesson. 

Boy ,have I learned this one over and over.  This is one of those lessons that doesn’t really sink in until you’ve been through a handful of hardships.  Back when I was 17 or 18, I remember someone telling me that every crisis or hardship with which we are faced is but a preparation for the next challenge that may come our way.  Now, I had been through some pretty hard times when I was told this and my immediate response was, “Well, if that’s the case, who would want to go on?  If this isn’t the worst of it, I don’t think I want to know what comes later,” which seems like a pretty natural reaction.  My mind reeled at the prospect of what might happen to me that could be worse than what I had already been through.  What I didn’t understand at the time, though, was that hurt can be presented in such a wide variety of ways.  One hurt never quite looks like another, therefore it’s hard to rank the level of pain inflicted.  I couldn’t see the overreaching idea that within each hardship I faced was a lesson that would prepare me, in general, for life and all that it had to bring my way.  The lesson didn’t have to be specific to that kind of incident, but instead, on a more broad scale – more applicable to other scenarios.  To tie some of these past few lessons together, I quote Rick Warren from his book The Purpose Driven Life, “There is no growth without change; no change without fear or loss; and no loss without pain.”  With this in mind, the biggest lessons come from the biggest changes which, sometimes, can result in the biggest losses or pains.  And the pain, or grief as it can sometimes be experienced, is not only normal, but completely necessary.  Grief is not a bad thing, it just gets a bad rap.  So many people want to skip the pain, sorrow, or trouble that comes with any loss, hardship or change, when, in fact, it is one of the biggest and most important parts of the journey.  That grieving process is like a workout for your heart, your brain and your emotional muscles.  You strengthen yourself by really experiencing everything that goes along with the hurt you feel from the loss you sustained.  There is no detour around that part of the adversity you are facing and the longer you try to avoid it or push it down deep, the more difficult it will be to get through. So, if someone tells you, “you’ll get over it” or something similar, they are not only insensitive, they are wrong.  You never really “get over” something tragic, especially the more difficult it is.  You aren’t meant to get over grief; you are meant to get through it.  The memory of the struggle and the journey it takes to get through it are what make the lesson stick with you; once you are through the worst of it,  the lesson waits for you just on the other side.  That is your light at the end of the figurative tunnel.  It might be dim or impossible to see at first, but trust that it’s there and is fueled by the strength you have built reaching out to grab it.  Afterall, as they say, this too shall pass and, when it does, you will be a stronger, better, wiser you.

 

Lesson 6: You can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips or the nature of your family. 

I read this lesson in an article that was generated by Glamour back in 1997 called “30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know By the Time She’s 30.”  Apropos, yes?  The article went viral pretty quickly, turning first into an email circulated by girlfriends everywhere and then, later, a book.  I love this lesson because the lesson about the inevitability of change is significant by itself, as I indicated when I wrote about it, but this puts a finger on some of the specific points that I, personally, can relate to.  Two hard lessons from the same root that I have really come to grasp over the last couple of years, the first of which relates to the body.  As a woman like any other, I am coming to learn more about my physical body the more years I spend living inside of it.  I always used to roll my eyes at women who would say things like, “Enjoy that now, you won’t be able to eat it forever.”  Honestly, I still roll my eyes at those women.  Yes, my metabolism and body were different when I was 20, but I don’t think a cupcake here or a slice of pizza there is what is responsible for the changes my body has seen.  It’s just the way it is.  At first I was mad about it.  I really wanted that body I had 10 years ago.  I worked hard to get back there, I tried to force my body to accept my brain’s desire to wear a size 4 again, and I got mad and defeated when it didn’t happen.  I loved my body while I was pregnant, but hated it when I put on the weight AFTER I had already had my daughter.  Then one day, several months ago, I made a decision (and reading this lesson in that Glamour article had a lot to do with it).  Why am I mad at my body?  If I want to lose the muffin top or the excess weight in my face, I need to make changes.  But, I can’t be mad about how wide my hips are or the fact that my legs aren’t as long as I want them to be.  Those things I can do very little about.  I carried a human in my pelvic region…you just can’t undo that and how that changes the shape of your hips.  And as far as my legs go, well, I have never been happy with their length, spending countless hours of my youth wishing they'd magically grow a few more inches.  Why be mad at the things you can’t change?  Your body is the house for your brain, heart and soul.  Fuel it with good foods and positive thoughts, work it out here and there, but don’t hate it because it doesn’t look the way you think other people want it to look.  I have a long way to go in really accepting my body, but I have also come a long way from loathing it and making sure others know that I hate the shape of my thighs/the length of my legs/the width of my hips.  I am learning how to own the size of my jeans and learning how to feel sexy, truly beautiful, in the shape my body is taking.  It made life, for crying out loud, and it has gotten me pretty far in this world.  I don’t need to reflect an image created by a media who clearly doesn’t truly understand what it means to be a woman or have a woman’s body; I need to love the skin I live in and reflect to my daughter a healthy idea of what a woman’s body really looks like.

Now, as for part two of this lesson, I have spent years trying to accept this very truth: You simply can’t change and/or choose your parents.  Not that I wish I could have chosen differently, but there were moments when I wished I could change things about them.  For the most part, though, these people were chosen for me – without their permission or mine.  Children spend their whole lives, up until a certain point, idolizing their parents and seeing in them all of the things they think they want to become.  Parents don’t seem like regular human beings from the eyes of a child.  No child considers the fact that parents have crises, deep feelings and thoughts, or interests outside of their family.  Sort of how young students look at their teachers without seeing their humanity – you know, how when you were in first or second grade and you were shocked to learn that your teacher not only went home at night, but ate food, watched TV and used the bathroom.  When I was that age, I thought that teachers just lived in their classrooms and did…I don’t know, teacher things all the time, like robots.  I think that children feel the same way about their parents to an extent.  Because their “rule” and existence so directly impacts the lives of their children, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that they are humans too and not just the cruel beings who don’t understand us or don’t listen when we talk.  But it’s important to remember, especially in those moments when you start blaming your parents for every wrong that has ever happened, every bad birthday, or every bad quality you feel you developed because of them, that you can’t wish them away.  Those two people, for better or worse, were always meant to be your parents.  You, quite literally, would not exist without them.  Any other combination of DNA would have resulted in an entirely different being.  So, even if they weren’t the best parents in every moment or situation or they weren’t the best couple that could have ever come together, they were always meant to be together to fuse what DNA they had to specifically create you.  Accidentally or on purpose, your creation was no accident.  This took me a LONG time to wrap my head around.  As someone who has dissected over and over again, not only all of my interactions with each of my parents, but also the genes I inherited from them in kind, this was a huge “ah ha” moment for me.  For better or worse, and whatever their faults, my parents are just that – mine.  I wouldn’t exist without them and I wouldn’t be who I am, again, for better or worse, without all that they and I have been through.  You can’t change who your parents are.  You just can’t.  Those two people created you and you have life because of them.  Hating them or blaming them forever for whatever ails or afflicts you doesn’t solve whatever the problem is and it doesn’t move anyone forward.  It also doesn’t make it hurt any less on their end when they see the scorn in your eyes or hear the blame in your voice.  Use some of the lessons you’ve learned – Some things you can’t change, it is what it is and take ownership of your life – and understand that even though they gave you the life that you have and all that comes with it, you are the one who made choices about how to use it, walk through it and look at it.  You can’t choose who gave you the life, but you can choose how to live it and be thankful that it was given to you at all. 

30 Days Continued...

Lesson 7: Keep your friends close. 

Boy, have I learned this one.  I have been truly blessed thus far by the people with whom I have had the privilege of sharing my life.  I think it speaks volumes that some of the closest people I have in my life have been my friends since grade school.  I am the kind of person who mates for life, for lack of a better term, especially in my friendships.  I really value the bonds I have made and have put my trust in people who have repeatedly shown me that they have my back and always will.  The friends I have made in the more recent past have been equally amazing additions to my life.  All in all, I have an amazing group of people around me.  I have found that one of the easiest things to do is take for granted the access you think you have to these people with whom you share your life.  As my closest friends and I have found ourselves moving, physically, in opposite directions from each other, we, of course, promise that we will keep in close contact no matter what.  Inevitably, though, this is something that is easier said than done.  Jobs, kids, life, and everything else makes the hours of the day vanish before your eyes and all of a sudden, it’s been weeks, even months, since you have spoken on the phone.  My friends and I have gotten into a fantastic habit of making Google Hangout dates every couple of weeks, which we all try and show up for.  Not for nothing, but modern technology especially Facebook, has been a Godsend in making daily contact more accessible.  With these advances, we are able to not only see each other, but see each other’s kids, fur babies, homes, and anything else – it’s like being in the same room with each other…but not.  We also try and get together at least once a year, which, although challenging, is so important to us being able to maintain the feeling of family that has developed between us.  But it is so easy to just assume that the people to whom you are closest will always be there, available to catch up, listen, or offer advice.  With all of us having to be so far apart from each other, I have really come to grips with the reality that the people you love and trust most are not always going to be right there with you every step of the way, like you may have once planned; however, that doesn't mean that you should shirk the duties that come with being and keeping a true friend.  Finding one or two people who you would trust with your life, nevermind an entire group of people, is no small feat.  If you are as lucky as I have been and have any of these people in your life, protect those relationships with everything you have.  In a crisis situation, you need to have a full corner to back you up.  In order to assure that support, you need to do the work to make it happen.  As we get older, our friendships become increasingly more important, but increasingly difficult to maintain as life gets more complicated.  Do the work.  Show the love.  Don’t let those people that mean the most slip away when you aren’t looking.  You won’t know how it happened, but you will certainly miss them when they are gone.

Lesson 8: You can’t trust everyone, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust anyone.

Trust is one of the trickiest tools of life.  It is the hardest thing to find or gain and the easiest thing to lose.  It can take years to fully gain someone’s trust, but can take just moments to lose it forever.  I struggled with trust for a long time.  It’s hard to put your trust in others when you have been left behind, forgotten, hurt and betrayed.  Eventually, though, you get to a point when you realize that, in fairness, you can’t hold against some what has been done to you by others.  Just because one person, years ago, hurt you in a certain way, doesn’t mean that everyone will betray you in the same way.  It isn’t fair to the people in your life when you punish them for things someone else has done to you.  You can’t protect yourself from hurt ever happening to you.  That’s no way to live.  Instead, you need to be aware of your surroundings and read the signs when they come.  People will always show you who they are if you are willing to see it.  And, like Maya Angelou says, “when people show you who they are, believe them!”  People show you their true colors all the time, through their words and actions.  How often have you spoken with a friend who said something like, “yes, but he/she just did it that once…they were honest about it, I think that counts for something…” and you rolled your eyes thinking that you haven’t heard the last of this conversation.  You sit and wait for that friend to come back to you, knowing that that friend will get hurt again by that person sometime soon.  But then, in your own life, have overlooked what someone has done to you in the same way?  The fissures begin to multiply in your trust relationship because of these indiscretions.  Those people are showing you who they are with each action and, often, bank on the fact that you will forgive them an indiscretion or two or ten before you walk away for good.  I’m not saying you should never give people the benefit of the doubt or forgive someone for something when the situation warrants it.  However, I am saying that people who are not deserving of your trust will often let you know through their words and actions exactly who they are and what they are about.  When someone shows you who they are in this way, believe that that is who they are and don’t continuously expect them to be something they aren’t.  Don’t hate someone or blame them for doing wrong to you – it’s likely that you've seen examples of their true nature through previous actions and you either ignored it or weren’t paying enough attention.  I’ve learned this lesson time and again and have learned to scold myself for letting those people do to me what I should have counted on them doing in the first place.  Placing my trust where, deep down, I knew it wasn't safe.  When someone is unkind, selfish, dishonest, or thoughtless toward you, please believe that that is who they  are.  Don’t distrust everyone, though; being an overly guarded person often tells others that you might not be trustworthy.  Instead, put your trust in people who show you they can be trusted.  Just like with the bad, believe in the good when it is shown to you.  I truly believe there is more of it out there than the bad, but it's easy to get hurt if you aren't paying attention.     

Lesson 9: Things change and that’s OK, but some things never change, and that’s OK too.

If there is one thing I have learned from my life as a military spouse, it is that things change. And boy, do they! In this lifestyle, you can never believe that something is definite until you are in the middle of it actually happening and even then it can still be questioned.  Truthfully, I learned this lesson at a much younger age, it just didn’t sink in as an acceptable reality until I married my husband.  At a certain point everyone has to come to grips with the fact that change is inevitable and that, without it, there can be no growth or progression.  I have not always welcomed some of the changes that have come my way; however, in retrospect have seen how my life couldn’t possibly have happened any differently.  Afterall, it is what it is, right?  In the end, though, it is the way in which we respond to the change that matters the most and is actually the only thing we can control in the epic battle of man versus change.  Change is ok and, even though it is scary to accept, we need it and should welcome it.  Sometimes the most unexpected changes can bring us the greatest joys and experiences we never knew we could have.  That is definitely a companion lesson I have learned in my life as a military wife – the places we have, and will, go, the people we have come to know, all would not have been possible without the epic change of the moves and changes we were asked to make.  I think one of the most frustrating parts about change, though, is the fact that the moment in which we beg for a change, it doesn’t come.  That moment when you wish that person would change or that your circumstances would suddenly alter somehow is always when you find change becomes elusive.  But, those moments when things never change are OK too and should, in some way, provide you with a sense of contentment in the consistency and predictability of these things we know will always stay the same.  This is where developing your sense of “go with the flow” and “it is what it is” comes in most handy.  Be flexible; change is bound to happen but only you can control how that change impacts your life.  It’s like they say, you can’t change the weather, but you can change your clothes and attitude to deal with it.  Ok, maybe no one says that.  But I just did, so I guess that works for now...

30 Days STILL Continued...

Lesson 10: Clean up your mess.

Feel free to take this as literally or figuratively as you want it, but it’s a good one either way. In the literal sense, I have always been taught, and now teach my own daughter, that you always clean up after yourself. It’s an important skill in taking responsibility for yourself and the space you occupy. I’m glad I was taught it and intend on passing the lesson on to my own progeny. Now, of course, I’m not always as diligent as I would like to be. Some days, the dishes will sit there all day and wait for me – but in the land of “single” motherhood, that’s just a choice that sometimes has to be made. But, when I am out and about, I try to be aware of the messes I make and clean them up. Maybe it is my years working in food service, but when I am out at a restaurant, I make sure to leave the table just how I found it – sometimes cleaner. If Savannah’s food is all over the floor and table, I clean it up. I always wipe up spills on the table and I don’t leave crumbs on the seat. In retail stores, if I knock something off the rack, I pick it up and if I unfold something to check it out, I always fold it up the same way and place it neatly back. Maybe this sounds like a little much, but I always imagine the frustration of the person who is responsible for keeping that area clean, finding it a complete mess when they come back to check on it. I’ve seen parents leave some pretty epic messes in restaurants (often as the waitress responsible for cleaning it up) and I try to avoid being that person. Now, in the figurative sense, it is also important to take responsibility for your “messes.” Most of us go through life continuously making both small and large messes in our relationships and interactions with others. We tell little lies; we mislead; we assume; we betray the confidences of others; we make a mess of things. It happens, no one is immune. But the important piece is to recognize when you have made a mess of things and figure out some way to clean it up. You take responsibility for your part in making the mess and therefore lend a hand in cleaning it up. Whether it’s acknowledging the wrongdoing, apologizing for your part or finding some tangible way to make it up to the person, have enough self-awareness to recognize when you have created a mess; have even more awareness to know when and how to clean it up. Think of it as keeping your space clean, that space you occupy in the world, however far it stretches and however many other spaces with which is shares a boundary. Like your mother taught you: keep your space clean and don’t expect anyone to come in clean up after you.

Lesson 11: Laugh.

Now, this is a very simple, but very important one. It doesn’t take much effort or time, but it can make a huge difference in your day. And it’s free! Laughing is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself and yet, I have met so many people who will withhold or conceal a laugh. Laughing is the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to better your health. A good laugh can release tension, strengthen your heart, release endorphins to lighten your mood, and even decrease stress hormones to empower your immune system. I have always enjoyed a good laugh and have even been teased by my friends for my uncontrollable laughing fits that sometimes come out of nowhere and for no reason. I think the most important laughs, though, come from when you laugh at yourself. I once heard someone say that “you have to laugh at yourself, because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.” I can’t think of anything that is truer than that. I have spent more time laughing at myself than probably any other person or thing in this world. It’s imperative to not take yourself, or anything, too seriously. I live and die by finding the irony, humor and ridiculousness that is present in the course of a life time – I mean, it can be downright hysterical if you really stop to look at it. I think the thing that bothers me most, though, is the presence of those people who make you feel bad about laughing or having a good time.  Those people who are a little scared of laughing a little too loudly.  You know that saying, dance like no one is watching? Aside from the fact that it is on every kitchen magnet, coffee cup, and Pinterest/Facebook board ever created, it is actually a really good point.  I think it is such a popular phrase, though, because it is something that people want to do, but are nervous about how they will be perceived while doing it.  They need to be persuaded or reminded that it's alright to have some good old fashioned silly fun, even if it makes you look just that: silly.  I have been known to have a public dance party and/or song break or two and have had the unfortunate luck of being with people who, feeling embarrassed by my “display,” almost scolded me, encouraging me to stop. I always swore I would never let anyone let me feel bad about having a little fun. So what if some strangers at Target think I’m a little weird for singing in the dressing room or dancing to a song in the electronics section? You can’t worry yourself with what others are thinking all the time (if ever at all) – that is something you can’t control and shouldn’t try to, even if you could. Fun should be measured by the way it makes YOU feel, not the way others around you feel – within reason, of course. I say all of this with a little understanding to the point – your fun might embarrass someone who needs to loosen up, so long as it does not make anyone feel bad, attacked or shamed. So to those of you who I’ve shared a crosswalk dance party with, or an inappropriate laugh at an inappropriate time, thank you for carrying on with me. We’ve done a bit of good for, not only our health, but the health of those around us who couldn’t help the giggle they had when they saw us being silly. Laughter is contagious – try to spread it around a little, for the betterment of everyone’s health.

Lesson 12: Work hard.

If there is anything I have learned from living in my family, it is this; and not just my nuclear family, but my entire family from grandparents to cousins. I come from a long line of people who have an incredible work ethic and strong pride in their sense of “get it done.” I was raised to know that, no matter what, nothing is owed to me. Whether I have nothing or everything, a certain amount of work is required in order to earn what you have and /or need. I can’t put into words how grateful I am to have been raised this way. I look around and see so many young people coming up with this sense of entitlement to everything around them. I think that our media has created a generation of people who think that as long as you find a way to create some 15 minutes of fame, you are somehow entitled to riches beyond measure. Meanwhile, what are these people actually contributing to society? I have always found a great sense of accomplishment and happiness in working hard. I love that feeling at the end of a productive day that you really did something, that you made an impact in some way. I have also found that this ethic to work hard and stay productive has helped me divert attention away from some of the less positive pieces of life. Which is why a secondary  and equally important piece of this lesson is to Stay Busy but Purposeful. In middle and high school, I am certain that I only survived my circumstances because I had so much going on to divert my attention. If I had stayed home every single day after school, each weekend and each break, I’m sure that I could have drowned in self-pity, sadness and longing for a life that wasn’t mine. Instead, because of sports, clubs, school trips, friends and competitive opportunities I rarely found myself home until 6 PM on the weekdays and out all day each weekend, which also meant that my brain didn’t have time to sit and dwell. This isn’t to say that I avoided my problems in order to not deal with them. Instead, I think it is important to give the brain a necessary break from the realities of life, so that it doesn’t drown itself in its own thought processes. There is such a thing as overthinking things. I actually found that by staying busy, productive and goal oriented that my brain worked through problems a lot quicker, actively thinking about things as opposed to lazily dwelling on them. Ultimately, I doubly benefited from this, finding peace for my active mind as well as completing goals one right after the other. I kept this activity up right through college, then my grad school career and on into life. Always finding something to be a part of, a dance class to take, a new skill to learn – not a distracted mind, but one that is always  active and learning something.  I have found that an active mind processes things in a more efficient and clear manner.  I am more able to solve issues in my life when my brain is working at a steady pace.  I like to feel busy – not overwhelmingly so – just enough to keep me moving forward. Working hard and staying busy is not just about filling time and expending energy, either, it’s about challenging yourself and your mind so that you are always progressing, learning, and growing. I fully intend on raising my children with this same sense of “get it done.” I hate the idea of producing any more people in this world who think that by simply existing they deserve to have anything. I don’t want them to have nothing, of course, but I also don’t want them thinking that just because they can talk and use their fingers that they should have an iphone at the age of 7. The mere idea of that sends chills up my spine. I want them to learn that sometimes working hard doesn’t always pay its dividends as quickly or as amply as one might like. It does, however, continuously force you to make deposits in your brain’s bank of redeemable assets. You’ll cash them in at some point and when you do, just as with any investment, will be glad you put all the work into making sure you had them in the first place.

30 Days Continued...

Lesson 13: Forgive. 

This is a tough one – don’t mistake the concise nature of the title for an easy topic.  One of the hardest things to do in life is forgive.  But you can’t move on/grow/do better until you do.  To not forgive someone is really a punishment for you.  The anger/resentment/hurt is eating you from the inside, not the other person.  I once heard that “Unforgiveness unchecked is like Cancer to the soul,” a perfect visual.  Nothing else is so negative or can consume you so completely if left unattended.  When you don’t truly forgive something and let it go, the feelings associated with the action start eating away at your happiness and starts bleeding out on to other parts of your life.  You start misdirecting that hurt toward other people.  You have to let it go – it’s done, it’s over.  It may have hurt, but the truth is you learned something.  Now release it and walk away.  With that in mind, forgive does not mean forget, even though the two ideas are almost always paired together - they should never be equated, in my opinion.  Let's be honest, no one ever forgets anything they have had to forgive.  I actually think the memory of the act serves a purpose, and not just to hold over the person’s head: that would mean you have not truly forgiven. Instead, the act should be an example of how that action truly feels, directing you to consciously make sure you never commit that act to someone else and make them feel the way you felt.  Afterall, there is a hard lesson to be learned in every tough situation, right?  In all of the cases you’ve had to either forgive or be forgiven, I bet you can easily name what that lesson was.  That’s because you haven’t forgotten.  Nor should you be asked to forget.  The memory reminds you of where you’ve been and how far you’ve come.  I’m grateful for all the times I’ve been forgiven as well as the times I’ve been hurt and have had to forgive.  I've been on both sides of this one many times, as I'm sure everyone else has.  But the hardest side to be on is the side where you realize you have to forgive yourself for whatever has transpired in the first place.  Some people (namely me) have a habit of punishing themselves over and over for things that they’ve either done or let happen.  Things that could have/should have gone differently, things that not only affected them, but the people around them.  It’s so difficult to forgive yourself, because there is no bigger critic and no harsher judge.  But, at the end of the day, you have to live with you, you have to look you in the mirror in the morning, and you have to be able to let things go in order to move on and find happiness.  Over the course of time, I have found that the more fiercely and angrily I blamed someone else, the more it was me I was actually blaming.  At first I directed my anger at whatever one individual it was in the moment, enraged that they would treat me in such an awful manner.  When, really, I was mad at myself for letting them treat me in such a manner, for so long.  Excuse me while I throw to Oprah  – “Forgiveness is accepting that it HAS happened to you, not that it was OK for it to have happened to you.  Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different,” (I suggest you read that in slow mo – it takes a minute to settle in).  This is one of my favorite Oprah-isms and definitely a lightbulb moment for me.  It happened, it’s done, you can’t change it – so now what?  Skip the grudge and move on, easier said than done, I know, but try it.  What have you got to lose besides the hurt, anger and drama?


Lesson 14: You can’t truly love someone else until you learn to love yourself. 

Is this a cliché?  Eh, who’s to say, but I like it either way and have learned this lesson over and over again.  I think it is one of those things that is said back and forth between people, usually as advice or as a means to console, but the meaning of which sometimes doesn’t fully settle.  So, what does it mean?  To me, it isn’t just about loving yourself, but truly KNOWING yourself.  You might say, “Well, heck, I’ve lived with myself for years, of course I know myself.”  But do you?  Think of all of the questions you might expect someone you’re dating to answer.  Questions that you might use to judge their qualification to be a part of your life.  Do you know what makes you happiest/saddest?  Do you have an ultimate goal or purpose?  Do you have a spiritual/religious belief?  You have to be able to answer these for yourself before you can ask anyone else.  After you have answered these questions, among others, do you accept your answers?  You may have chosen a career or goal long ago that may not suit you now.  So the answer is yes, I have chosen a career, but do I like it?  Does it fulfill me?  Yes, I believe (fill in the blank), but am I willing to state that belief out loud to others?  Taking ownership of yourself, your beliefs, your life – taking responsibility for them – is the only way to truly know AND love yourself.  Honestly, it takes a long time to get to know yourself.  Here I am, looking 30 in the face, and I am still learning things about who I am.  Furthermore, it has taken an even longer time for me to really love me.  Things I’ve learned to help me really love me?  I love myself enough to know that I won’t let another person compromise my beliefs or values.  I love myself enough to know that, if a relationship hurts more than it helps or nurtures me, I can’t be in it; love doesn’t hurt and if it does, it isn’t the right kind of love.  I love myself enough to know that my body is only what I put into it and ask of it – hating it because I’m told to doesn’t work.   I love myself enough to know that, in the end, I do come first.  This has been the hardest one for me to fully grasp.  Ultimately, though, if I don’t take care of me first, I can’t be at the top of my game to take care of others.  All this said, especially the last point, how can you possibly be ready to give your heart away to someone if you don’t know what’s written on it.  Sure, that right person might be the very individual that helps you answer many of these questions.  But, I have found that all the wrong people actually helped me learn these lessons and it wasn’t until I met my husband that I realized it.  It was so easy to love him and, 7 years later, it still is.  I feel like the best, most beautiful version of myself; the kind of me that isn’t self-conscious about whether he thinks I’m fun/smart/beautiful/thin/good enough.  Because I know, and love, myself enough to know that I am all of those things and, at the end of the day, that’s all that counts.

Lesson 15: It builds character. 

Now, this is something that a beloved teacher, Mr. Bushey, used to say to me almost every day of my adolescent life.  He was my Ag. teacher and FFA advisor from 5^th grade through senior year, as well as a father figure who gave me daily reality checks when I needed them.  And I often needed them.  I would wager that the number of times I heard this phrase in my adolescence probably far exceeds any other phrase ever said.  Ever.  Because Mr. Bushey had a habit of pushing his students into each and every public speaking and leadership event that ever happened in the FFA, he had the opportunity to see me try and fail a lot at a lot of things.  After every defeat came a knowing smile, shake of the head and the same 3 words.  At the time, I would always roll my eyes saying, “Yeah, yeah.  But don’t you think by now I’ve built enough character for an entire army?”  Truthfully, though, his words always did bring a little comfort.  It was the comfort of the repetition, the fact that he cared enough to say it at all and the fact that, really, it was true.  And I knew it.  I remember one day in particular, I came to school devastated after learning I might have to move out of state.  This was just after I was moved out of my mom’s house and didn’t think things could get any worse.  When I walked into class that morning, Mr. Bushey immediately saw my face (having already heard the story from a friend) and called me outside.  Before he could open his mouth, I said, “Please don’t say it.  I know that someday I will…” and broke down in tears before I could finish.  Mr. Bushey hugged me and didn’t say anything more – I think we both knew what he would have said was right, but I had finally reached a day when I didn’t need to hear it out loud.   As time has worn on, I hear his voice in my head every time something bad happens, reminding me that, yes, this too will build character.  All life experiences (especially the bad ones) shape our life’s purpose; the decisions we make, both in the face of those experiences and in the aftermath, dictate the kind of character we build.  These experiences and decisions give us the tools to understand how to take on future challenges and the strength to know that we can dominate those challenges because we have seen and handled worse.  I had an inkling of this meaning back when I heard the words from Mr. B, but I couldn’t have possibly grasped their depth until the tools I had gained needed to be used again.  I am a strong, confident, fierce woman who didn’t come by these qualities easily.  Despite this strength of character, though, I know I could always use more – you never know what lies ahead and I want to be as prepared as possible.  Thanks for teaching me that Mr. Bushey; the lesson was heard loud and clear.  

30 Days Continued...

Lesson 16: It Is What It Is. 

This is a phrase I have adopted over time and use, probably, every single day.  It has become a kind of mantra to me, reminding me that everything happens not only as it should, but for a reason.  I may not be able to see/understand/respect that reason right now, but I know, in time, I will see it clearly.  After all, is that not the beauty of hindsight?  Knowing later that something that has happened did indeed happen for a reason?  Honestly, if nothing else, this mentality gives me a sense of peace about the nature of things.  That the reality of a situation is exactly what it is.  Often there is no changing that reality and the only option available is accepting it and moving forward, whatever it takes. Over the course of my life, I have had some intense sadnesses, some overwhelming tests, and some wonderful joys. At this point, I can see how many of those events have either individually, or in partner with other events, gotten me to where I am today.  Each relationship, a set of experiences that have taught me how to approach certain situations, leading me down a path to my best friend, husband and love of my life. Each misstep with my parents, a calculated lesson in how family dynamics have not only shaped me as a person, but as the parent I was meant to, and am trying to, be.  Each missed opportunity in my career teaching me something new about the kind of educator I actually want to be.  All of these things teaching me lessons I couldn’t have learned otherwise, in any other way.  It’s like that song “God Blessed the Broken Road” - every wrong turn and hard day leads you to where you need to be.  Or, maybe I just really enjoy the toil of a good hard lesson.  Either way, in light of this knowledge, I try to have a ‘”go with the flow” attitude about a lot of things.  I try really hard to not let these events hinder my progress or stop me from moving forward.  I look for the lesson and if I can’t see it clearly yet – well, maybe I will later, but for now, I guess it just is what it is. 

Lesson 17: Everything you do to others has already been done to you.

This lesson is a lot like, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you,” except with a Karmic twist.  It’s actually a lot like Newton’s Third Law of Motion – every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Everything you do, both good and bad, will come back to you some day.  Maybe not right away, but eventually Karma does comes back around.  I've not only seen this with others, but have experienced it myself.  Because of this, it makes logical sense that if you are putting positivity out there into the world each and every day, then you will, in turn get positive things back.  Not always and every time; no one is immune to bad things happening occasionally.  But if you follow lessons 30, 28, and even lesson 19, putting good energy out there, you are doing well to fill your Karmic tank.  Any negative energy you put out there is sure to find its way back to you in a similar fashion.  I think the trickiest part of this is being able to recognize your own actions for what they are.  Sometimes our thoughts, comments and actions happen without much premeditation.  It’s out there before we mean it to be.  But, every person has a choice of how to behave, react, speak, and interact with others.  It is one of the only things we truly DO have control over.  Let’s face it, even though I may have learned this lesson, I am as culpable, if not more sometimes, in these situations as anyone else.  Just today, in traffic, while certain individuals were riding the merging lane as far as it would go to jump ahead (one of my all time pet peeves and definite rage buttons) I had to work SO hard to not only not think terrible thoughts about them, but to also stop myself from actually screaming out loud at them in my car.  I caught myself.  Who does that really help?  Sure, it makes me feel a little better in the moment, but it also riles me up and makes me head down a slippery slope of anger and negativity.  And while I’m on my way to pick up my kiddo?  Not a good head space to be in.  I have to believe that some day, when I, obviously, will not be looking, those people will get their true due process in traffic.  It all comes back around.  Such it is with anything.  It’s what keeps me motivated to stay positive and help others when I can.  Not just because I want to get something good back, but because it’s the right thing to do.  Because putting the positive stuff out there is going to fuel more positivity on the other end.  Because when it does come back around, I’d rather have a pat on the back than a bite in the ass.

Lesson 18: Everyone has the unconditional right to believe what they want. 

This is not just a lesson I’ve learned, but actually one of our rights as stated in the Basic Human Rights Act.  I suppose this is arguably one of the greatest rights we hold in this country in which we live, but is also one of the hardest ones to remember, especially in that moment when someone says something in direct opposition to your own belief.  This right doesn’t mean you have to like anyone else’s belief/opinion, it definitely doesn’t mean you need to subscribe to it.  It just means everyone has the right to hold that belief/opinion and, in turn, have the opinion that other opinions are crazy/unfounded/ludicrous. This right also, if I might add, includes the right to change that opinion or belief at any given time.  As someone who dated an atheist and married a Republican (not the same person), I have definitely learned this lesson and value the phrase “agree to disagree.”  Sometimes, if not often, “agree to disagree” is the most reasonable and responsible answer to an argument (this was a HUGE lesson for me).  Now, obviously and in direct reflection of the law, actions committed in the name of these beliefs are a completely different thing.  But, I am talking about beliefs and/or opinions in the name of discourse and free speech.  This has been a hard lesson to accept, especially when the beliefs/opinions get outright hateful.  It’s impossibly hard to not judge/condemn/hate someone for something that is hateful or in opposition of your core set of values.  But, at the end of the day, I have to remember that these beliefs/opinions go hand in hand with years of lessons, experiences, and environmental exposure that I, personally, can’t change.  People don’t just come upon beliefs/opinions overnight (at least in general).  They are typically marked by complicated histories and full of lots of backstory that you aren’t privy to.  The only comforting element is knowing that you alone have control over what your beliefs are and who you associate with in relationship to these beliefs.  You get to draw your own lines in the sand of what is acceptable to bring in your sphere and what is a deal breaker.  It’s not my job to judge or condemn anyone for their beliefs, nor am I interested in doing so.  It is, however, my job to have a firm grasp on what it is that I believe and then raise my children with the beliefs and values I think are most important, hoping that, one day, those lessons will serve them in making a positive, productive contribution and impact on their world.

30 Days Continued...

Lesson 19: Negativity breeds negativity:

The same goes for positivity, really.  The short point is that you are a reflection of who you surround yourself with and you reflect the energy that those people bring to you. Example: If you have ever been in a conversation with someone who tends toward a negative perspective, you might find yourself falling easily into a negative space with them.  It starts with an inconsequential comment about someone you both know and before you know it, you’re both in Negativetown.  It probably doesn’t happen purposefully and one might not even notice that the conversation has turned thus.  But, if you are a generally positive person, it’s likely that you pick up on the change pretty quickly.  Haters gonna hate and there’s not much you can do to change that; however, choosing to surround yourself with people who are negative is an active decision.  You see, you are not only responsible for the energy you bring into a room (or relationship) but you are also responsible for the energy you allow to surround you.  I have always tried to be a pretty positive person.  Some might call that an optimist; however, I have come to identify myself as more of a positive realist  (I’ve always felt like the title “optimist” held some kind of naïve connotation).  At any rate, I like to look at the bright side, I try to find a silver lining, and I always try to see the lesson or value in a terrible situation. In my youth, because of my environment, I could very easily have become sullen, negative, or mean.  However, I always surrounded myself with really positive people, which helped me from diverting away from my positive leaning. I didn’t realize until I left that comfortable sphere just how lucky I was then and still am in those friends, teachers and family or how the negativity of others can be so influential.  Maintaining this positive outlook and support system hasn’t always been easy – trust me.  But, when the chips are down, you need people around you to help foster that sense of positivity to keep you moving forward.   Sometimes it is the absolute hardest thing to do, especially when creating that positive space means walking away from people you have known for years.  Now, I am a big believer in the need to really feel your grief, if that is what you are going through; however, there is a big difference between grief and negativity.  I have felt my share of grief and have learned that knowing that that grief has a purpose or an end (which it always does) is a hopeful outlook.  Luxuriating in your grief without purpose and, in turn, spreading it around is negativity.  I have met these people and that kind of energy is addictive.  Learn for yourself how to tell the difference, if you haven’t already.  It may be what helps you work through difficulties and what exacerbates them even more.

Lesson 20: Be about it:

This little ditty is something that I started saying when I was teaching at EBMI.  It just came out during a class one day and stuck with me from then on.  As any of my students can attest, I said it quite frequently (some know this more than others, because I had to say it to them OFTEN).  The essence of this lesson, though, is that the most effective route to anything is to show don’t tell. Everyone, including me, can talk a big game about anything.  Talking is easy.  Don’t talk about it.  BE ABOUT IT.  In a grammatical sense, the verb “be” is a very slippery thing.  When used as I am using it, it is in an active state.  But, it can very easily turn into something passive if you let it.  Same goes with goals or anything else.  Why do New Year’s resolutions often fail?  Because people talk about it on New Year’s Eve, but fail to BE about it every day after.  As I told my students, it takes a fair amount of effort, work and dedication to Be About It - it is not easy and isn't meant to be.  But no good thing in life is easy.  With my students, I was so tired of hearing, “yeah, I’m going to finish that.  Yeah, I want to be better.  Yeah, I promise Ms. Heather, next time I’m going to….” It went on and on, typically without reward.  I got in the habit of stopping the sentence before it started, to say, “You know what (fill in name here), I don’t want you to tell me about it.  I just want you to be about it, ok?”  And that seemed to get through.  For myself, I have to constantly refocus to maintain a certain level of productive activity that keeps me “being” about my goals.  If you want to lose weight, don’t talk about how you want to do it, just start moving.  If you want to talk to your loved ones more often, don’t talk about how many obstacles are in your way, spend that time picking up the phone instead.  The amount of time that I have spent in the past talking about why I can’t do one thing or what is holding me back from this other thing is depressing.  It’s an easy pit to fall into.  Actually, it happened to me with this post.  Yesterday was a long day and I kept falling asleep at the computer while writing.  This morning, I was really feeling that sluggish, “I just don’t wanna” vibe when I sat down to finish.  Then I laughed when I reread my topic, thinking, “this is perfect, Heather, just shut up and BE about it!!”  Say it how you like, “Show don’t tell” “Little less talk, a lot more action”  “Walk the walk” “Just Do It” – it all amounts to the same thing.  In order to maintain a forward motion in any pursuit – Be. About. It.

Lesson 21: When You Know Better, You Do Better:

This is actually a quote from Maya Angelou that I heard a while back and it instantly struck a chord with me.   You often hear people say, “well, you didn’t know any better” or “You definitely should have known better.”  Seems like an easy thing to say, but the truth is, we don’t always “know better” do we?  Life is one big classroom where you are constantly learning how to do things the right way, because most of the time, this behavior doesn’t necessarily come naturally.  Ms. Angelou, appropriate to my theme, says, “You did in your 20’s what you knew how to do and now that you’re in your 30s and you know better, you do better.”  My teen years and early 20’s were definitely a mess of hard lessons against an ugly backdrop.  I was always trying to make the right decisions, but as anyone who has been that age before can attest, it’s sometimes an impossible task.  For a long time, I carried my past life and experiences around with me in heavy, invisible suitcases.  That baggage was not only bulky and awkward, but incredibly exhausting day in and day out.  When I heard this quote, though, I realized that I was holding myself hostage to those experiences – punishing myself, or pitying myself, or whatever I could to deal with them.  The truth is, though, none of it was working to help me move forward or learn anything – I was just in a continual state of suffering, judging myself every day for what had transpired long ago.   You don’t have to be who you were and you don’t have to continue doing what you did.  Therein lies the lesson – you didn’t know better and now you do; so, you do better.  You should not be judged in this moment for the person you were 2, 5, or 10 years ago; but, instead the person you are now and are trying to become.  Your past shouldn’t bring shame or embarrassment – own it, it’s what taught you to know how to do better.  I’m proud of all that I’ve been through up to this point.  It’s been a full 30 years so far and, with what I have gained in that time, it should be an even better, wiser, more confident 30 years to come.  I’m so ready to hit my stride in my 30’s and not at all ashamed to say my age.  I say, bring it on – I’ve got knowhow to spare and I ain’t afraid to use it.

30 Lessons Continued...

Lesson 24: Every relationship you have, no matter how long or short, is meant to teach you something

This is something I have learned many times over and continue to learn to this day.  I’d like to clarify, too, that the term relationship is extended to any kind of relationship – family, friend, romantic, platonic, acquaintance.  Sometimes these interactions are so brief – weeks, days, even hours – and have such a significant impact.  But the ones I have learned from the most have been the ones I thought would last forever – both platonic and romantic – but ended, sometimes suddenly and sometimes over the course of time.  In the moments of loss of those connections, I felt both relief and devastation.  Relief that I could let go of the tension, stress and anxiety the relationship brought; devastation at the idea that I might never interact or talk with these people again after they were such a huge part of my life.  In the wake of these losses, though, I continue to realize all of the lessons I learned from having known those people at all.  Typically, the lesson circles around an idea of self-realization and all of the things I learned about myself over the course of the relationship – who I am, who I want to be/don’t want to be, and who brings out the best/worst in me.  I’ve come to realize that, although I still hold a lot of sadness about the fact these people aren’t part of my life anymore, I was always meant to know them and experience the time that we shared.  Maybe we are only meant to have certain people in our lives for specific amounts of time.  That’s all we’re allotted.  They, too, go on to shape their own lives with what they learned from our connection.  It doesn’t make it any less hard to let them go, but it does make me think more in the moment about the relationships I currently have.  Am I applying what I learned?  Making better choices?  Living in the positive and giving more than I get?  No one wants to repeat mistakes they’ve made in the past that led to the ruin of a previous relationship – what would have been the point?  But bad habits are the hardest to break, so awareness of the behavior and its link to that person is key.  Every person you share a moment or set of moments with can, and should, have an impact on your life.  Look for those lessons - they are sometimes the most poignant and impactful.

Lesson 23: Know when to let go. 

In connection with Lesson 24, I felt it most appropriate to follow up with this lesson.  It’s definitely an extension of the relationship lesson; however, this idea extends to anything in life that we cling to with white knuckles.  I think, more often than not, it is a person or relationship, but I have experienced it also with a place, an idea, a career, and even an item.  For instance, for many years I wanted to be a particular kind of teacher in a specific kind of setting.  As time has worn on, though, I have loosened my grip on that idea in order to make room for a new dimension of education in a sphere I had never before considered.  Because of the difficulties I have faced finding a job in the current market, I have expanded my scope and now see my options as an educator are so varied and can take so many shapes.  In the moment that we cling helplessly to something, we usually feel like we are making the right decisions and doing right by ourselves and others. It isn’t until we let go that we can truly see the detriment we were committing by hanging on.  In relationships, sometimes this can be as severe as any form of abuse or something so subtle as continuously letting your own desires take second place.  The smallest digs and cuts, especially given over and over again, can be the most fatal.  Even though it is essential to protect your relationships and work hard to make them work, there is something so vital about knowing when to say when.  It doesn’t always have to be all at once, letting go cold turkey - sometimes loosening your grip a little at a time can show you just how far removed you are from what and where you should be.  It’s difficult to recognize in the moment, but the letting go of situations that just don't seem to fit always leads you to what/where/who you are meant to be.  It’s like they say – “you know when you know” and if you don’t know what that means or can’t appreciate what that really feels like…then you don’t yet know and maybe need to loosen your grip on something to be able to see a little more clearly.  Protect what’s real and true, but know when to let go to allow your greatest potential to be uncovered.

Lesson 22: Learn your love language. 

Since I have discovered this genius theory about love languages, I have been preaching it from the rooftops.  In short, Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor of over 30 years, discovered over the course of his work that, for the most part, when couples experience problems in their marriage, the issues can be traced to a kind of love miscommunication.  Basically, people both give and, subconsciously, expect to receive love/appreciation through 5 different avenues: 1) Acts of Service, 2) Words of Affirmation, 3) Quality Time, 4) Physical Touch, and/or Receiving Gifts.  Each person has one language, more than the other 4, that is most prominent.  More often than not, people you share your life with are not likely to “speak” the exact same language as you – therefore leading to conflicts and disruptions in the lines of communication.  Now, I won’t go into detail, as I blogged about this a short time ago.  What I will say is that Dr. Chapman is on to something here.  Not only does he have years of experience from which to work, but his book has been on the NYT Bestsellers list for 292 weeks, as of this post.  Each year he has sold more copies than the year prior and has never done any advertising or promoting of this book.  People have just been spreading this book around by word of mouth as they discover the ideas inside.  It’s all so simple, too, that it’s hard not to have one of those “Good lord how did I never see it this way before?!” moments.  Ryan and I have both taken the quiz and discovered our languages, which, immediately, illuminated for us some of the missed connections we’ve had in our own relationship.  I think the larger picture here, though, is how important it is to be aware of how you not only give your love, but expect to receive it – from anyone.  Dr. Chapman has now even developed his love language practice to include discussions about learning the languages of your children.  Imagine all of the conflicts that could have been or could still be avoided if parents had a clue where their kids were coming from.  How many parents have said, “I don’t even know who you are!”  Well, that could be because they are actually not even speaking the same “language!”  The ideas behind this theory, as I said, are simple, but so incredibly powerful.  I have a completely different understanding of not only myself and how I interact with people, in general, but of family members, friends and various loved ones who may have missed the mark for me a time or two.  It could be that I was expecting one thing and they were saying that thing in a completely different way.  Take the quiz – it takes all of 5 minutes.  It’s a simple thing to do that could very possibly change the way you see yourself and others around you.  You can spread love all day long, but if people aren't receiving it because they're expecting it to be expressed in a different way, missed connections will abound!