Lesson 24: Every relationship you have, no matter how long or short, is meant to teach you something
This is something I have learned many times over and continue to learn to this day. I’d like to clarify, too, that the term relationship is extended to any kind of relationship – family, friend, romantic, platonic, acquaintance. Sometimes these interactions are so brief – weeks, days, even hours – and have such a significant impact. But the ones I have learned from the most have been the ones I thought would last forever – both platonic and romantic – but ended, sometimes suddenly and sometimes over the course of time. In the moments of loss of those connections, I felt both relief and devastation. Relief that I could let go of the tension, stress and anxiety the relationship brought; devastation at the idea that I might never interact or talk with these people again after they were such a huge part of my life. In the wake of these losses, though, I continue to realize all of the lessons I learned from having known those people at all. Typically, the lesson circles around an idea of self-realization and all of the things I learned about myself over the course of the relationship – who I am, who I want to be/don’t want to be, and who brings out the best/worst in me. I’ve come to realize that, although I still hold a lot of sadness about the fact these people aren’t part of my life anymore, I was always meant to know them and experience the time that we shared. Maybe we are only meant to have certain people in our lives for specific amounts of time. That’s all we’re allotted. They, too, go on to shape their own lives with what they learned from our connection. It doesn’t make it any less hard to let them go, but it does make me think more in the moment about the relationships I currently have. Am I applying what I learned? Making better choices? Living in the positive and giving more than I get? No one wants to repeat mistakes they’ve made in the past that led to the ruin of a previous relationship – what would have been the point? But bad habits are the hardest to break, so awareness of the behavior and its link to that person is key. Every person you share a moment or set of moments with can, and should, have an impact on your life. Look for those lessons - they are sometimes the most poignant and impactful.
Lesson 23: Know when to let go.
In connection with Lesson 24, I felt it most appropriate to follow up with this lesson. It’s definitely an extension of the relationship lesson; however, this idea extends to anything in life that we cling to with white knuckles. I think, more often than not, it is a person or relationship, but I have experienced it also with a place, an idea, a career, and even an item. For instance, for many years I wanted to be a particular kind of teacher in a specific kind of setting. As time has worn on, though, I have loosened my grip on that idea in order to make room for a new dimension of education in a sphere I had never before considered. Because of the difficulties I have faced finding a job in the current market, I have expanded my scope and now see my options as an educator are so varied and can take so many shapes. In the moment that we cling helplessly to something, we usually feel like we are making the right decisions and doing right by ourselves and others. It isn’t until we let go that we can truly see the detriment we were committing by hanging on. In relationships, sometimes this can be as severe as any form of abuse or something so subtle as continuously letting your own desires take second place. The smallest digs and cuts, especially given over and over again, can be the most fatal. Even though it is essential to protect your relationships and work hard to make them work, there is something so vital about knowing when to say when. It doesn’t always have to be all at once, letting go cold turkey - sometimes loosening your grip a little at a time can show you just how far removed you are from what and where you should be. It’s difficult to recognize in the moment, but the letting go of situations that just don't seem to fit always leads you to what/where/who you are meant to be. It’s like they say – “you know when you know” and if you don’t know what that means or can’t appreciate what that really feels like…then you don’t yet know and maybe need to loosen your grip on something to be able to see a little more clearly. Protect what’s real and true, but know when to let go to allow your greatest potential to be uncovered.
Lesson 22: Learn your love language.
Since I have discovered this genius theory about love languages, I have been preaching it from the rooftops. In short, Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor of over 30 years, discovered over the course of his work that, for the most part, when couples experience problems in their marriage, the issues can be traced to a kind of love miscommunication. Basically, people both give and, subconsciously, expect to receive love/appreciation through 5 different avenues: 1) Acts of Service, 2) Words of Affirmation, 3) Quality Time, 4) Physical Touch, and/or Receiving Gifts. Each person has one language, more than the other 4, that is most prominent. More often than not, people you share your life with are not likely to “speak” the exact same language as you – therefore leading to conflicts and disruptions in the lines of communication. Now, I won’t go into detail, as I blogged about this a short time ago. What I will say is that Dr. Chapman is on to something here. Not only does he have years of experience from which to work, but his book has been on the NYT Bestsellers list for 292 weeks, as of this post. Each year he has sold more copies than the year prior and has never done any advertising or promoting of this book. People have just been spreading this book around by word of mouth as they discover the ideas inside. It’s all so simple, too, that it’s hard not to have one of those “Good lord how did I never see it this way before?!” moments. Ryan and I have both taken the quiz and discovered our languages, which, immediately, illuminated for us some of the missed connections we’ve had in our own relationship. I think the larger picture here, though, is how important it is to be aware of how you not only give your love, but expect to receive it – from anyone. Dr. Chapman has now even developed his love language practice to include discussions about learning the languages of your children. Imagine all of the conflicts that could have been or could still be avoided if parents had a clue where their kids were coming from. How many parents have said, “I don’t even know who you are!” Well, that could be because they are actually not even speaking the same “language!” The ideas behind this theory, as I said, are simple, but so incredibly powerful. I have a completely different understanding of not only myself and how I interact with people, in general, but of family members, friends and various loved ones who may have missed the mark for me a time or two. It could be that I was expecting one thing and they were saying that thing in a completely different way. Take the quiz – it takes all of 5 minutes. It’s a simple thing to do that could very possibly change the way you see yourself and others around you. You can spread love all day long, but if people aren't receiving it because they're expecting it to be expressed in a different way, missed connections will abound!
Since I have discovered this genius theory about love languages, I have been preaching it from the rooftops. In short, Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor of over 30 years, discovered over the course of his work that, for the most part, when couples experience problems in their marriage, the issues can be traced to a kind of love miscommunication. Basically, people both give and, subconsciously, expect to receive love/appreciation through 5 different avenues: 1) Acts of Service, 2) Words of Affirmation, 3) Quality Time, 4) Physical Touch, and/or Receiving Gifts. Each person has one language, more than the other 4, that is most prominent. More often than not, people you share your life with are not likely to “speak” the exact same language as you – therefore leading to conflicts and disruptions in the lines of communication. Now, I won’t go into detail, as I blogged about this a short time ago. What I will say is that Dr. Chapman is on to something here. Not only does he have years of experience from which to work, but his book has been on the NYT Bestsellers list for 292 weeks, as of this post. Each year he has sold more copies than the year prior and has never done any advertising or promoting of this book. People have just been spreading this book around by word of mouth as they discover the ideas inside. It’s all so simple, too, that it’s hard not to have one of those “Good lord how did I never see it this way before?!” moments. Ryan and I have both taken the quiz and discovered our languages, which, immediately, illuminated for us some of the missed connections we’ve had in our own relationship. I think the larger picture here, though, is how important it is to be aware of how you not only give your love, but expect to receive it – from anyone. Dr. Chapman has now even developed his love language practice to include discussions about learning the languages of your children. Imagine all of the conflicts that could have been or could still be avoided if parents had a clue where their kids were coming from. How many parents have said, “I don’t even know who you are!” Well, that could be because they are actually not even speaking the same “language!” The ideas behind this theory, as I said, are simple, but so incredibly powerful. I have a completely different understanding of not only myself and how I interact with people, in general, but of family members, friends and various loved ones who may have missed the mark for me a time or two. It could be that I was expecting one thing and they were saying that thing in a completely different way. Take the quiz – it takes all of 5 minutes. It’s a simple thing to do that could very possibly change the way you see yourself and others around you. You can spread love all day long, but if people aren't receiving it because they're expecting it to be expressed in a different way, missed connections will abound!
