I’ve always marveled at the ability of other writers/authors to be able to generate ideas for their writing. I’ve often felt jealous about this ability, wondering where in the world they find this creative flow and how I might learn to tap into it. Every time I finish an entry here, I find that I am sapped of all reflective thought, so that it takes me many days to generate thoughts for my next entry. It had been almost two weeks before I could think of anything to talk about for this entry, when I began to sense a pattern. Call this my creative process if you will, but, generally, a thought will occur to me at random, I will stew over it for several days and, inevitably, things will happen in my life that coincidentally start to either reflect or correspond with this, mostly, random thought. I began stewing about this current entry days ago and as time has passed the number of related events to fuel my thoughts on this matter has been extraordinary.
I’ve always heard it said that “life is about choices.” You are always told as a young person that the choices you make today will affect the rest of your life. Generally speaking, this is said to adolescents in a context of preventative measure concerning drugs, sex, and alcohol. Usually the teen will roll their eyes, thinking that they can’t believe they are hearing this for the 14th time that day before moving on as if no one ever said a thing. I recall those days – thinking that I was above the advice of many adults around me. Granted, in many cases I had no business taking the advice of some of the adults by whom I was surrounded. Except Mr. Bushey – I never took for granted the lesson that could be learned whenever I heard Mr. Bushey tell me, “Heather, it builds character” after any great loss or defeat. Some words out of some mouths you just don’t roll an eye to. But when it comes to comments about choices, it’s sometimes hard to listen. In the last several months, I have had to come to terms with the enormity of this statement from my youth. I’ve realized just how palpable the effects can be when a choice we make resonates through our lives like ripples on a stone struck pond. Now, I am a big believer in fate, but when it comes down to it you simply have to accept that in order for fate to run its course you have to get up in the morning and get the ball rolling. You have to make choices; you have to decide what clothes to wear, what cereal to eat, what path to follow. Life isn’t going to happen to you laying in bed – only obesity, depression and bed sores will happen. And that, my apathetic friends, is a choice as well. You can’t avoid making choices. Sometimes I try to, and many of my friends can attest to this, but I try to avoid making choices if I can. I defer to others, remain quiet, hoping for another voice to speak out, all the while not realizing that my decision to avoid choosing is also a choice; just a bad one. I’m learning that choices are inevitable and sometimes, when we decide to take the plunge and accept the role of them in our lives, making choices can be the difference between upset and happily ever after.
Last week sometime, I received an email from a friend of mine from college. Simon (the friend in question) was sending a mass email to let us all know that he recently finished his album and had made his songs and CD available on iTunes and his personal website. I have to admit, I was startled by this email in a number of ways. As I said earlier, I was in my creative process, in search of an idea to write about. I have been thinking about my job lately and the way my career path has kind of hit a crossroads of sorts. I couldn’t think of an angle to talk about this issue, though, until I received Simon’s email. I was all at once thrilled, proud, amazed, and jealous. Here is a guy who, after getting his degree from college, working at a few different jobs along the way, but all the while passionate about his musical career, was doing everything he could to make his dream come true. The amount of tireless work, sweat, and love he must have put into making this dream happen is amazing to me and I felt so proud of him as I went to iTunes and listened to the clips of the songs he recently made available. (By the by, a little plug for his music, his stage name is Carter James, check him out, he’s crazy talented!) It occurred to me, as I listened to all of his work flowing out through the speakers of my laptop, that Simon had made the command decision to take his future into his own hands. He made a choice to pursue what he loved and is doing whatever it takes to make good on his dream. I can’t tell you how much I respect and admire that.
Needless to say, that got me thinking a lot about my own life. If Simon could choose to steer his life toward his oft dreamed about musical career, why should any of us be doing anything but what we love to do? Since moving to California, I’ve found myself in a quandary about both employment opportunities and the direction my life will take if I am unable to find work in my field. I’ll tell you, I wasn’t as concerned about my unemployment status before the wedding. I thought, “what a blessing this might be, to have all of this time available to finishing working on the wedding.” I can’t say whether or not that was an honest feeling or me trying to make myself feel better about the situation in which I found myself. Either way, it ended up working out in my favor. However, when I got back from Savannah, reality set in: I was unemployed and, whether or not it had worked in my favor, I hadn’t heard anything from the hundreds of resumes I had sent out before I went back east. Panic set in. The reality of my situation was becoming painfully clear. Three weeks after moving to San Diego 3000 teachers were laid off in my area during one of the biggest budget cuts ever. I was not only competing with teachers in my age and range of qualification, I was also competing for jobs with these 3000 San Diego County experienced teachers who, now, found themselves a lot of sympathy to go along with their unemployment. All of the schools immediately went on hiring freezes and those that were hiring were only interested in recycling those teachers cut by the budget. All this, and my California credential was still not approved yet. As the months passed, I more and more realized that it might be that a career change was in order; at least temporarily. It had been 7 months and no jobs in education had reared their heads. Disappointment and a feeling of failure ensued.
It was mid July when I received a call from Kelly, Spa Supervisor of a new gym called Total Woman opening up down the street from my house. I had submitted an application to them in June and hadn’t heard back – to be honest, I had completely forgotten about that submission. It was one of about 75 I had submitted that week. Up till now, every interview I had been on I tried to avoid telling the employer about my Masters degree and even some of my experience because, in the end, it had ruined my chances at many jobs. Most jobs, which, I didn’t want in the first place because they required sitting at a desk, taking orders, and promoted depression and suicide. Some employers came right out and told me, “You’re fabulous, but we simply can’t take the risk on you leaving for better pay or a better opportunity.” I decided that, with Kelly, I would just be honest; I would ignore all prior advice and tell her everything you aren’t supposed to say in an interview: “Hi, my name is Heather, I have a Masters degree, I’m an out of work teacher, I just moved here with my husband, who is in the Marines, I don’t know how long I will be here, I think it will be about 4 years, but I’m willing to learn whatever I need to in order to be your next Spa Customer Service Associate.” *Sigh, there, I said it. After a few minutes, Kelly and I were talking and joking, and before you knew it, I was the new CSA for Total Woman Gym and Atmosphere Day Spa – at your service. Honesty really was the best policy. I was excited at first, then regretful, then disappointed in myself. That was before I started working. Now, three months later, I think I was always meant to take this position – which, in a roundabout way, brings me back to choices and fate. I think it was fate that I should spend some time working here, but this only happened because I chose to step out of my comfort zone and take a chance. Now, I realize just how much this job has helped me in so many arenas of my life. Yes, I’m not furthering my education career and I’m not pursuing my goals. However, I have changed my entire way of life out here. I’ve made so many amazing friends in the ladies that work for this company, I’ve heard so many stories from these women, who like me, were struggling to find a job and a life as well. Not to mention the fact that, albeit a small paycheck, it is A paycheck and it is a great distraction that gets me out of the house. I’ve learned so much about how to care for my skin and my body, how to live a healthier life and how to live a more balanced life. I feel like I am growing as a person and a woman because of this job and the people I have met in it, therefore giving me a lot insight into things I never bothered to focus on while I was slaving away in Pensacola.
Although the choices we are asked to make are not always easy or even obvious, they can more often than not be what makes us zig rather than zag; veer left instead of right. I’m learning that embracing the choices we are required to make is not only all part of the process, it’s the only way to continue living. If I had chosen to not go to my second interview and blow it off, I could potentially still be unemployed, mimicking my cats, and living in the same pajamas for weeks on end. I imagine this version of myself, drowning in self pity, 3 day old cereal stuck to my face, wondering if the aroma I’m breathing is my festering excuse of a life or the socks I haven’t changed in 6 days. With Ryan gone, this job has saved my life (and my sanity, for that matter). There is really no describing the kinds of feeling of failure and self degradation that come with 8 months of continuous, daily rejection. A person can only stomach so much of that. But I made a command decision – a choice that changed my outlook on, not only my career path, but my life in California as a whole. I woke up one day, metaphorically slapped myself in the face and, akin to Moonstruck Cher, yelled, “snap out of it!” Get a grip! Take a chance, step out of your comfort zone, accept an offer when it’s made to you, however undesirable it may appear at first glance. You really never know when making that choice equates to making a healthy contribution to what fate has in store for you…
To Be Continued
