I know it’s been a little while since my last posting, but there have been lots of things going on around here, keeping me from my computer. Ryan came home from his training a week and a half ago and we have been spending pretty much every second of that time together. We just got back from our trip to Hawai’i with Ryan’s family, a time that was, as I’m sure you can imagine, full of self reflection and observation. The island of Kaua’i was beautiful, humid and remote. We did lots of snorkeling, surfing, and discovering different pieces of the land. I learned a lot of new Hawaiian words and, during the whole of the trip, buried my face in Harry Potter 7: The Deathly Hallows. Of course I didn’t let Harry impede my ability to enjoy the beauty and culture of the island, nor did I allow it to keep me from socializing with the family or spending time with Ryan. Harry just helped me get through the quieter moments as well as the more beach focused moments, which, as we all know, are not necessarily my favorite. I was able to read all 754 pages, starting on the plane ride there and ending on the plane ride back.
Now, I think as a true fan of the series – as I am, re-reading the series to refresh my memory and emotions before the release of each new movie – I tend to follow the same habits of other fans. If you are a fan of Harry Potter, please do not try to deny that there is at least some part of you (which grows larger the bigger a fan you are) that wishes you could have gotten your own wand at age 11, ridden the Hogwart’s Express through the Great Britain countryside, learned magic in the halls of Hogwarts instead of Muggle subjects in your Muggle high school, and had a pet owl who delivered your mail for you. Fans of the series find themselves wondering which subject they’d be good at: Herbology, Charms, Potions? And finally, everyone wonders which character their personality most resembles. It has been my observation that the character one tends to believe they are most like and the one their friend’s would say they are most like is often not the same. It’s difficult to read this series, or any book for that matter, without identifying with the characters - are you sometimes too smart for your own good, like Hermione or are you quiet, unassuming, yet endlessly brave like Neville? I found myself in these thoughts as I finished the final book (for the 3rd time) last night on the redeye from Kaua’i.
It may seem arrogant and possibly overshooting, but I do believe I most resemble Harry Potter himself. Of course everyone wishes they were like him, and it may be that my friends would debate that I am more like someone else, (hopefully not Luna Lovegood, for goodness sake) but hear me out. As I was reading the last half of The Deathly Hallows, I began thinking about how much things can change when circumstances continue shuffling the deck and dealing unpredictable hands. I’ve always compared my life to Harry Potter’s – a difficult childhood, parents who were good people at the core but were, on the whole, uninvolved in a good portion of my upbringing due to uncontrollable circumstances, a string of adoptive parents who stepped in as they came along, a habit for living inside my head with others at a comfortable distance. And the biggest piece? A life of loneliness staggered with great friends who come to my aid in times of need, always lending a helping hand and ear, but who, despite their constant vigilance, never really could fully comprehend what life inside this skin is really like. I’m not famous, I don’t talk to snakes, and death doesn’t follow me like a depressing wake; however, my scars are deep and they do sometimes dictate my paths. I feel connected to characters like that.
I guess the real question is, why do we seek to find ourselves in fictional characters? What insight can we gain from this kind of pursuit? To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. I asked myself this question several times, not only to check my own sanity for living a little too closely inside the story while I was reading, but also to see what it was that I was really identifying with. Maybe it’s the hope you can gain from seeing where the story goes. Maybe, if the character’s story ends well, things will end well for you – a person whose life, even in a parallel universe, mirrors that of the character. In Harry’s story, I see him as always on the brink of some adventure; some great life changing endeavor. He goes into each installment of the series thinking the worst is behind him and that what waits in the future is the possibility of normalcy. He longs for what Ron has, two parents, a bunch of siblings, and a house full of warmth, tradition, and uncompromised love. He clings to family that come in and out of his life while trying to figure out how to maintain a balance in the everyday. I get all of that about him. I connect to that. I understand the longing to have the kinds of ties and traditions that others around me have, while embracing the real life knowledge that a life like that may not have been meant for me. That I was meant for something different and that I was meant to create something different for my children with that knowledge. As the actual deployment quickly encroaches upon me, I stare into its face wondering what weapons I will need to combat it. I think about all of the battles in the past I have had to wage and fight by myself as well as with my closest friends beside me, and I wonder if the worst really is behind me or still lurking in the future. Am I in the 3rd book or the 7th? What do I stand to lose and do I really want to know?
I think what bothers me the most is the fact that I probably can’t rely on the stories of Harry Potter to direct my thoughts about the future. As I finished the final book on the plane, I considered, as I always do, the cliché afterword JK Rowling attached to the end of the story. The whole piece where we find out Harry and Ginny get married and have little predictably and overkill named children, living close to the married Ron and Hermione. They share their lives with seemingly no problems, but those attached to parenthood, and Harry finally finds his little bit of normalcy. As I finished reading that afterward, I couldn’t help but feel the detachment set in. That’s not what true Harry Potter fans want to hear about Harry’s life. I want to hear that he grows to be the next Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and ends up becoming the next great headmaster of Hogwarts. I imagine Harry continuing to fight for the rights of the innocent and defend the honor of those who died to help pave his way. I have no desire to see him fade into normalcy – Harry was never meant for a life of normalcy! So, therein lies the rub. I read the story to find an answer about what might lie before me, but am unequivocally denied by a ridiculous version of what an author may have thought people wanted to hear. Now, this is not to say I am judging Mrs. Rowling; I respect her as an author and bow down to her creativity and ability. I guess my disappointment just got personal and I was hoping for something a little bit closer to my own truth. But, I claim Harry Potter. Others can make their suggestions and they may be right, but I stand by my opinion. I’ll continue to reread the books and every time Harry finds himself on the precipice of some grand, life altering event, I’ll pay attention. I’ll pay really close attention and maybe, just maybe, by then I’ll be able to tell you what really happens to someone like Harry Potter after the battle ends and life begins again.
