30 Days Continued...

Lesson 16: It Is What It Is. 

This is a phrase I have adopted over time and use, probably, every single day.  It has become a kind of mantra to me, reminding me that everything happens not only as it should, but for a reason.  I may not be able to see/understand/respect that reason right now, but I know, in time, I will see it clearly.  After all, is that not the beauty of hindsight?  Knowing later that something that has happened did indeed happen for a reason?  Honestly, if nothing else, this mentality gives me a sense of peace about the nature of things.  That the reality of a situation is exactly what it is.  Often there is no changing that reality and the only option available is accepting it and moving forward, whatever it takes. Over the course of my life, I have had some intense sadnesses, some overwhelming tests, and some wonderful joys. At this point, I can see how many of those events have either individually, or in partner with other events, gotten me to where I am today.  Each relationship, a set of experiences that have taught me how to approach certain situations, leading me down a path to my best friend, husband and love of my life. Each misstep with my parents, a calculated lesson in how family dynamics have not only shaped me as a person, but as the parent I was meant to, and am trying to, be.  Each missed opportunity in my career teaching me something new about the kind of educator I actually want to be.  All of these things teaching me lessons I couldn’t have learned otherwise, in any other way.  It’s like that song “God Blessed the Broken Road” - every wrong turn and hard day leads you to where you need to be.  Or, maybe I just really enjoy the toil of a good hard lesson.  Either way, in light of this knowledge, I try to have a ‘”go with the flow” attitude about a lot of things.  I try really hard to not let these events hinder my progress or stop me from moving forward.  I look for the lesson and if I can’t see it clearly yet – well, maybe I will later, but for now, I guess it just is what it is. 

Lesson 17: Everything you do to others has already been done to you.

This lesson is a lot like, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you,” except with a Karmic twist.  It’s actually a lot like Newton’s Third Law of Motion – every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Everything you do, both good and bad, will come back to you some day.  Maybe not right away, but eventually Karma does comes back around.  I've not only seen this with others, but have experienced it myself.  Because of this, it makes logical sense that if you are putting positivity out there into the world each and every day, then you will, in turn get positive things back.  Not always and every time; no one is immune to bad things happening occasionally.  But if you follow lessons 30, 28, and even lesson 19, putting good energy out there, you are doing well to fill your Karmic tank.  Any negative energy you put out there is sure to find its way back to you in a similar fashion.  I think the trickiest part of this is being able to recognize your own actions for what they are.  Sometimes our thoughts, comments and actions happen without much premeditation.  It’s out there before we mean it to be.  But, every person has a choice of how to behave, react, speak, and interact with others.  It is one of the only things we truly DO have control over.  Let’s face it, even though I may have learned this lesson, I am as culpable, if not more sometimes, in these situations as anyone else.  Just today, in traffic, while certain individuals were riding the merging lane as far as it would go to jump ahead (one of my all time pet peeves and definite rage buttons) I had to work SO hard to not only not think terrible thoughts about them, but to also stop myself from actually screaming out loud at them in my car.  I caught myself.  Who does that really help?  Sure, it makes me feel a little better in the moment, but it also riles me up and makes me head down a slippery slope of anger and negativity.  And while I’m on my way to pick up my kiddo?  Not a good head space to be in.  I have to believe that some day, when I, obviously, will not be looking, those people will get their true due process in traffic.  It all comes back around.  Such it is with anything.  It’s what keeps me motivated to stay positive and help others when I can.  Not just because I want to get something good back, but because it’s the right thing to do.  Because putting the positive stuff out there is going to fuel more positivity on the other end.  Because when it does come back around, I’d rather have a pat on the back than a bite in the ass.

Lesson 18: Everyone has the unconditional right to believe what they want. 

This is not just a lesson I’ve learned, but actually one of our rights as stated in the Basic Human Rights Act.  I suppose this is arguably one of the greatest rights we hold in this country in which we live, but is also one of the hardest ones to remember, especially in that moment when someone says something in direct opposition to your own belief.  This right doesn’t mean you have to like anyone else’s belief/opinion, it definitely doesn’t mean you need to subscribe to it.  It just means everyone has the right to hold that belief/opinion and, in turn, have the opinion that other opinions are crazy/unfounded/ludicrous. This right also, if I might add, includes the right to change that opinion or belief at any given time.  As someone who dated an atheist and married a Republican (not the same person), I have definitely learned this lesson and value the phrase “agree to disagree.”  Sometimes, if not often, “agree to disagree” is the most reasonable and responsible answer to an argument (this was a HUGE lesson for me).  Now, obviously and in direct reflection of the law, actions committed in the name of these beliefs are a completely different thing.  But, I am talking about beliefs and/or opinions in the name of discourse and free speech.  This has been a hard lesson to accept, especially when the beliefs/opinions get outright hateful.  It’s impossibly hard to not judge/condemn/hate someone for something that is hateful or in opposition of your core set of values.  But, at the end of the day, I have to remember that these beliefs/opinions go hand in hand with years of lessons, experiences, and environmental exposure that I, personally, can’t change.  People don’t just come upon beliefs/opinions overnight (at least in general).  They are typically marked by complicated histories and full of lots of backstory that you aren’t privy to.  The only comforting element is knowing that you alone have control over what your beliefs are and who you associate with in relationship to these beliefs.  You get to draw your own lines in the sand of what is acceptable to bring in your sphere and what is a deal breaker.  It’s not my job to judge or condemn anyone for their beliefs, nor am I interested in doing so.  It is, however, my job to have a firm grasp on what it is that I believe and then raise my children with the beliefs and values I think are most important, hoping that, one day, those lessons will serve them in making a positive, productive contribution and impact on their world.

30 Days Continued...

Lesson 19: Negativity breeds negativity:

The same goes for positivity, really.  The short point is that you are a reflection of who you surround yourself with and you reflect the energy that those people bring to you. Example: If you have ever been in a conversation with someone who tends toward a negative perspective, you might find yourself falling easily into a negative space with them.  It starts with an inconsequential comment about someone you both know and before you know it, you’re both in Negativetown.  It probably doesn’t happen purposefully and one might not even notice that the conversation has turned thus.  But, if you are a generally positive person, it’s likely that you pick up on the change pretty quickly.  Haters gonna hate and there’s not much you can do to change that; however, choosing to surround yourself with people who are negative is an active decision.  You see, you are not only responsible for the energy you bring into a room (or relationship) but you are also responsible for the energy you allow to surround you.  I have always tried to be a pretty positive person.  Some might call that an optimist; however, I have come to identify myself as more of a positive realist  (I’ve always felt like the title “optimist” held some kind of naïve connotation).  At any rate, I like to look at the bright side, I try to find a silver lining, and I always try to see the lesson or value in a terrible situation. In my youth, because of my environment, I could very easily have become sullen, negative, or mean.  However, I always surrounded myself with really positive people, which helped me from diverting away from my positive leaning. I didn’t realize until I left that comfortable sphere just how lucky I was then and still am in those friends, teachers and family or how the negativity of others can be so influential.  Maintaining this positive outlook and support system hasn’t always been easy – trust me.  But, when the chips are down, you need people around you to help foster that sense of positivity to keep you moving forward.   Sometimes it is the absolute hardest thing to do, especially when creating that positive space means walking away from people you have known for years.  Now, I am a big believer in the need to really feel your grief, if that is what you are going through; however, there is a big difference between grief and negativity.  I have felt my share of grief and have learned that knowing that that grief has a purpose or an end (which it always does) is a hopeful outlook.  Luxuriating in your grief without purpose and, in turn, spreading it around is negativity.  I have met these people and that kind of energy is addictive.  Learn for yourself how to tell the difference, if you haven’t already.  It may be what helps you work through difficulties and what exacerbates them even more.

Lesson 20: Be about it:

This little ditty is something that I started saying when I was teaching at EBMI.  It just came out during a class one day and stuck with me from then on.  As any of my students can attest, I said it quite frequently (some know this more than others, because I had to say it to them OFTEN).  The essence of this lesson, though, is that the most effective route to anything is to show don’t tell. Everyone, including me, can talk a big game about anything.  Talking is easy.  Don’t talk about it.  BE ABOUT IT.  In a grammatical sense, the verb “be” is a very slippery thing.  When used as I am using it, it is in an active state.  But, it can very easily turn into something passive if you let it.  Same goes with goals or anything else.  Why do New Year’s resolutions often fail?  Because people talk about it on New Year’s Eve, but fail to BE about it every day after.  As I told my students, it takes a fair amount of effort, work and dedication to Be About It - it is not easy and isn't meant to be.  But no good thing in life is easy.  With my students, I was so tired of hearing, “yeah, I’m going to finish that.  Yeah, I want to be better.  Yeah, I promise Ms. Heather, next time I’m going to….” It went on and on, typically without reward.  I got in the habit of stopping the sentence before it started, to say, “You know what (fill in name here), I don’t want you to tell me about it.  I just want you to be about it, ok?”  And that seemed to get through.  For myself, I have to constantly refocus to maintain a certain level of productive activity that keeps me “being” about my goals.  If you want to lose weight, don’t talk about how you want to do it, just start moving.  If you want to talk to your loved ones more often, don’t talk about how many obstacles are in your way, spend that time picking up the phone instead.  The amount of time that I have spent in the past talking about why I can’t do one thing or what is holding me back from this other thing is depressing.  It’s an easy pit to fall into.  Actually, it happened to me with this post.  Yesterday was a long day and I kept falling asleep at the computer while writing.  This morning, I was really feeling that sluggish, “I just don’t wanna” vibe when I sat down to finish.  Then I laughed when I reread my topic, thinking, “this is perfect, Heather, just shut up and BE about it!!”  Say it how you like, “Show don’t tell” “Little less talk, a lot more action”  “Walk the walk” “Just Do It” – it all amounts to the same thing.  In order to maintain a forward motion in any pursuit – Be. About. It.

Lesson 21: When You Know Better, You Do Better:

This is actually a quote from Maya Angelou that I heard a while back and it instantly struck a chord with me.   You often hear people say, “well, you didn’t know any better” or “You definitely should have known better.”  Seems like an easy thing to say, but the truth is, we don’t always “know better” do we?  Life is one big classroom where you are constantly learning how to do things the right way, because most of the time, this behavior doesn’t necessarily come naturally.  Ms. Angelou, appropriate to my theme, says, “You did in your 20’s what you knew how to do and now that you’re in your 30s and you know better, you do better.”  My teen years and early 20’s were definitely a mess of hard lessons against an ugly backdrop.  I was always trying to make the right decisions, but as anyone who has been that age before can attest, it’s sometimes an impossible task.  For a long time, I carried my past life and experiences around with me in heavy, invisible suitcases.  That baggage was not only bulky and awkward, but incredibly exhausting day in and day out.  When I heard this quote, though, I realized that I was holding myself hostage to those experiences – punishing myself, or pitying myself, or whatever I could to deal with them.  The truth is, though, none of it was working to help me move forward or learn anything – I was just in a continual state of suffering, judging myself every day for what had transpired long ago.   You don’t have to be who you were and you don’t have to continue doing what you did.  Therein lies the lesson – you didn’t know better and now you do; so, you do better.  You should not be judged in this moment for the person you were 2, 5, or 10 years ago; but, instead the person you are now and are trying to become.  Your past shouldn’t bring shame or embarrassment – own it, it’s what taught you to know how to do better.  I’m proud of all that I’ve been through up to this point.  It’s been a full 30 years so far and, with what I have gained in that time, it should be an even better, wiser, more confident 30 years to come.  I’m so ready to hit my stride in my 30’s and not at all ashamed to say my age.  I say, bring it on – I’ve got knowhow to spare and I ain’t afraid to use it.