The same goes for positivity, really. The short point is that you are a reflection
of who you surround yourself with and you reflect the energy that
those people bring to you. Example: If you
have ever been in a conversation with someone who tends toward a negative
perspective, you might find yourself falling easily into a negative space with
them. It starts with an inconsequential
comment about someone you both know and before you know it, you’re both in
Negativetown. It probably doesn’t happen
purposefully and one might not even notice that the conversation has turned
thus. But, if you are a generally positive
person, it’s likely that you pick up on the change pretty quickly. Haters gonna hate and there’s not much you
can do to change that; however, choosing to surround yourself with people who
are negative is an active decision. You see,
you are not only responsible for the energy you bring into a room (or
relationship) but you are also responsible for the energy you allow to surround
you. I have always tried to be a pretty
positive person. Some might call that an
optimist; however, I have come to identify myself as more of a positive realist (I’ve always felt like the title “optimist”
held some kind of naïve connotation). At
any rate, I like to look at the bright side, I try to find a silver lining, and
I always try to see the lesson or value in a terrible situation. In my youth, because of my environment, I could very easily have become sullen, negative, or mean. However, I always surrounded myself with really
positive people, which helped me from diverting away from my positive leaning. I
didn’t realize until I left that comfortable sphere just how lucky I was then
and still am in those friends, teachers and family or how the negativity of
others can be so influential.
Maintaining this positive outlook and support system hasn’t always been
easy – trust me. But, when the chips are down, you need people around you to
help foster that sense of positivity to keep you moving forward. Sometimes it is the absolute hardest thing
to do, especially when creating that positive space means walking away from
people you have known for years. Now, I
am a big believer in the need to really feel your grief, if that is what you
are going through; however, there is a big difference between grief and
negativity. I have felt my share of
grief and have learned that knowing that that grief has a purpose or an end
(which it always does) is a hopeful outlook.
Luxuriating in your grief without purpose and, in turn, spreading it
around is negativity. I have met these
people and that kind of energy is addictive.
Learn for yourself how to tell the difference, if you haven’t
already. It may be what helps you work
through difficulties and what exacerbates them even more.
Lesson 20: Be about it:
This little ditty is something that I
started saying when I was teaching at EBMI.
It just came out during a class one day and stuck with me from then
on. As any of my students can attest, I
said it quite frequently (some know this more than others, because I had to say
it to them OFTEN). The essence of this
lesson, though, is that the most effective route to anything is to show don’t
tell. Everyone, including me, can talk a big game about anything. Talking is easy. Don’t talk about it. BE ABOUT IT.
In a grammatical sense, the verb “be” is a very slippery thing. When used as I am using it, it is in an
active state. But, it can very easily
turn into something passive if you let it.
Same goes with goals or anything else.
Why do New Year’s resolutions often fail? Because people talk about it on New Year’s
Eve, but fail to BE about it every day after.
As I told my students, it takes a fair amount of effort, work and
dedication to Be About It - it is not easy and isn't meant to be. But no good thing in
life is easy. With my students, I was so
tired of hearing, “yeah, I’m going to finish that. Yeah, I want to be better. Yeah, I promise Ms. Heather, next time I’m
going to….” It went on and on, typically without reward. I got in the habit of stopping the sentence
before it started, to say, “You know what (fill in name here), I don’t want you
to tell me about it. I just want you to
be about it, ok?” And that seemed to get
through. For myself, I have to
constantly refocus to maintain a certain level of productive activity that
keeps me “being” about my goals. If you
want to lose weight, don’t talk about how you want to do it, just start
moving. If you want to talk to your loved
ones more often, don’t talk about how many obstacles are in your way, spend
that time picking up the phone instead.
The amount of time that I have spent in the past talking about why I
can’t do one thing or what is holding me back from this other thing is
depressing. It’s an easy pit to fall
into. Actually, it happened to me with
this post. Yesterday was a long day and
I kept falling asleep at the computer while writing. This morning, I was really feeling that
sluggish, “I just don’t wanna” vibe when I sat down to finish. Then I laughed when I reread my topic,
thinking, “this is perfect, Heather, just shut up and BE about it!!” Say it how you like, “Show don’t tell” “Little
less talk, a lot more action” “Walk the
walk” “Just Do It” – it all amounts to the same thing. In order to maintain a forward motion in any
pursuit – Be. About. It.
Lesson 21: When You Know Better, You Do Better:
This is
actually a quote from Maya Angelou that I heard a while back and it instantly
struck a chord with me. You often hear
people say, “well, you didn’t know any better” or “You definitely should have
known better.” Seems like an easy thing
to say, but the truth is, we don’t always “know better” do we? Life is one big classroom where you are
constantly learning how to do things the right way, because most of the time,
this behavior doesn’t necessarily come naturally. Ms. Angelou, appropriate to my theme, says,
“You did in your 20’s what you knew how to do and now that you’re in your 30s
and you know better, you do better.” My
teen years and early 20’s were definitely a mess of hard lessons against an
ugly backdrop. I was always trying to
make the right decisions, but as anyone who has been that age before can
attest, it’s sometimes an impossible task.
For a long time, I carried my past life and experiences around with me
in heavy, invisible suitcases. That
baggage was not only bulky and awkward, but incredibly exhausting day in and
day out. When I heard this quote,
though, I realized that I was holding myself hostage to those experiences –
punishing myself, or pitying myself, or whatever I could to deal with
them. The truth is, though, none of it
was working to help me move forward or learn anything – I was just in a continual
state of suffering, judging myself every day for what had transpired long
ago. You don’t have to be who you were
and you don’t have to continue doing what you did. Therein lies the lesson – you didn’t know
better and now you do; so, you do better.
You should not be judged in this moment for the person you were 2, 5, or
10 years ago; but, instead the person you are now and are trying to
become. Your past shouldn’t bring shame
or embarrassment – own it, it’s what taught you to know how to do better. I’m proud of all that I’ve been through up to
this point. It’s been a full 30 years so
far and, with what I have gained in that time, it should be an even better,
wiser, more confident 30 years to come.
I’m so ready to hit my stride in my 30’s and not at all ashamed to say
my age. I say, bring it on – I’ve got
knowhow to spare and I ain’t afraid to use it.
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