Tuesday, December 31, 2013

30 Days Continued...

Lesson 16: It Is What It Is. 

This is a phrase I have adopted over time and use, probably, every single day.  It has become a kind of mantra to me, reminding me that everything happens not only as it should, but for a reason.  I may not be able to see/understand/respect that reason right now, but I know, in time, I will see it clearly.  After all, is that not the beauty of hindsight?  Knowing later that something that has happened did indeed happen for a reason?  Honestly, if nothing else, this mentality gives me a sense of peace about the nature of things.  That the reality of a situation is exactly what it is.  Often there is no changing that reality and the only option available is accepting it and moving forward, whatever it takes. Over the course of my life, I have had some intense sadnesses, some overwhelming tests, and some wonderful joys. At this point, I can see how many of those events have either individually, or in partner with other events, gotten me to where I am today.  Each relationship, a set of experiences that have taught me how to approach certain situations, leading me down a path to my best friend, husband and love of my life. Each misstep with my parents, a calculated lesson in how family dynamics have not only shaped me as a person, but as the parent I was meant to, and am trying to, be.  Each missed opportunity in my career teaching me something new about the kind of educator I actually want to be.  All of these things teaching me lessons I couldn’t have learned otherwise, in any other way.  It’s like that song “God Blessed the Broken Road” - every wrong turn and hard day leads you to where you need to be.  Or, maybe I just really enjoy the toil of a good hard lesson.  Either way, in light of this knowledge, I try to have a ‘”go with the flow” attitude about a lot of things.  I try really hard to not let these events hinder my progress or stop me from moving forward.  I look for the lesson and if I can’t see it clearly yet – well, maybe I will later, but for now, I guess it just is what it is. 
Lesson 17: Everything you do to others has already been done to you.

This lesson is a lot like, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you,” except with a Karmic twist.  It’s actually a lot like Newton’s Third Law of Motion – every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Everything you do, both good and bad, will come back to you some day.  Maybe not right away, but eventually Karma does comes back around.  I've not only seen this with others, but have experienced it myself.  Because of this, it makes logical sense that if you are putting positivity out there into the world each and every day, then you will, in turn get positive things back.  Not always and every time; no one is immune to bad things happening occasionally.  But if you follow lessons 30, 28, and even lesson 19, putting good energy out there, you are doing well to fill your Karmic tank.  Any negative energy you put out there is sure to find its way back to you in a similar fashion.  I think the trickiest part of this is being able to recognize your own actions for what they are.  Sometimes our thoughts, comments and actions happen without much premeditation.  It’s out there before we mean it to be.  But, every person has a choice of how to behave, react, speak, and interact with others.  It is one of the only things we truly DO have control over.  Let’s face it, even though I may have learned this lesson, I am as culpable, if not more sometimes, in these situations as anyone else.  Just today, in traffic, while certain individuals were riding the merging lane as far as it would go to jump ahead (one of my all time pet peeves and definite rage buttons) I had to work SO hard to not only not think terrible thoughts about them, but to also stop myself from actually screaming out loud at them in my car.  I caught myself.  Who does that really help?  Sure, it makes me feel a little better in the moment, but it also riles me up and makes me head down a slippery slope of anger and negativity.  And while I’m on my way to pick up my kiddo?  Not a good head space to be in.  I have to believe that some day, when I, obviously, will not be looking, those people will get their true due process in traffic.  It all comes back around.  Such it is with anything.  It’s what keeps me motivated to stay positive and help others when I can.  Not just because I want to get something good back, but because it’s the right thing to do.  Because putting the positive stuff out there is going to fuel more positivity on the other end.  Because when it does come back around, I’d rather have a pat on the back than a bite in the ass.

Lesson 18: Everyone has the unconditional right to believe what they want. 

This is not just a lesson I’ve learned, but actually one of our rights as stated in the Basic Human Rights Act.  I suppose this is arguably one of the greatest rights we hold in this country in which we live, but is also one of the hardest ones to remember, especially in that moment when someone says something in direct opposition to your own belief.  This right doesn’t mean you have to like anyone else’s belief/opinion, it definitely doesn’t mean you need to subscribe to it.  It just means everyone has the right to hold that belief/opinion and, in turn, have the opinion that other opinions are crazy/unfounded/ludicrous. This right also, if I might add, includes the right to change that opinion or belief at any given time.  As someone who dated an atheist and married a Republican (not the same person), I have definitely learned this lesson and value the phrase “agree to disagree.”  Sometimes, if not often, “agree to disagree” is the most reasonable and responsible answer to an argument (this was a HUGE lesson for me).  Now, obviously and in direct reflection of the law, actions committed in the name of these beliefs are a completely different thing.  But, I am talking about beliefs and/or opinions in the name of discourse and free speech.  This has been a hard lesson to accept, especially when the beliefs/opinions get outright hateful.  It’s impossibly hard to not judge/condemn/hate someone for something that is hateful or in opposition of your core set of values.  But, at the end of the day, I have to remember that these beliefs/opinions go hand in hand with years of lessons, experiences, and environmental exposure that I, personally, can’t change.  People don’t just come upon beliefs/opinions overnight (at least in general).  They are typically marked by complicated histories and full of lots of backstory that you aren’t privy to.  The only comforting element is knowing that you alone have control over what your beliefs are and who you associate with in relationship to these beliefs.  You get to draw your own lines in the sand of what is acceptable to bring in your sphere and what is a deal breaker.  It’s not my job to judge or condemn anyone for their beliefs, nor am I interested in doing so.  It is, however, my job to have a firm grasp on what it is that I believe and then raise my children with the beliefs and values I think are most important, hoping that, one day, those lessons will serve them in making a positive, productive contribution and impact on their world.

Monday, December 30, 2013

30 Days Continued...

Lesson 19: Negativity breeds negativity:

The same goes for positivity, really.  The short point is that you are a reflection of who you surround yourself with and you reflect the energy that those people bring to you. Example: If you have ever been in a conversation with someone who tends toward a negative perspective, you might find yourself falling easily into a negative space with them.  It starts with an inconsequential comment about someone you both know and before you know it, you’re both in Negativetown.  It probably doesn’t happen purposefully and one might not even notice that the conversation has turned thus.  But, if you are a generally positive person, it’s likely that you pick up on the change pretty quickly.  Haters gonna hate and there’s not much you can do to change that; however, choosing to surround yourself with people who are negative is an active decision.  You see, you are not only responsible for the energy you bring into a room (or relationship) but you are also responsible for the energy you allow to surround you.  I have always tried to be a pretty positive person.  Some might call that an optimist; however, I have come to identify myself as more of a positive realist  (I’ve always felt like the title “optimist” held some kind of naïve connotation).  At any rate, I like to look at the bright side, I try to find a silver lining, and I always try to see the lesson or value in a terrible situation. In my youth, because of my environment, I could very easily have become sullen, negative, or mean.  However, I always surrounded myself with really positive people, which helped me from diverting away from my positive leaning. I didn’t realize until I left that comfortable sphere just how lucky I was then and still am in those friends, teachers and family or how the negativity of others can be so influential.  Maintaining this positive outlook and support system hasn’t always been easy – trust me.  But, when the chips are down, you need people around you to help foster that sense of positivity to keep you moving forward.   Sometimes it is the absolute hardest thing to do, especially when creating that positive space means walking away from people you have known for years.  Now, I am a big believer in the need to really feel your grief, if that is what you are going through; however, there is a big difference between grief and negativity.  I have felt my share of grief and have learned that knowing that that grief has a purpose or an end (which it always does) is a hopeful outlook.  Luxuriating in your grief without purpose and, in turn, spreading it around is negativity.  I have met these people and that kind of energy is addictive.  Learn for yourself how to tell the difference, if you haven’t already.  It may be what helps you work through difficulties and what exacerbates them even more.

Lesson 20: Be about it:
This little ditty is something that I started saying when I was teaching at EBMI.  It just came out during a class one day and stuck with me from then on.  As any of my students can attest, I said it quite frequently (some know this more than others, because I had to say it to them OFTEN).  The essence of this lesson, though, is that the most effective route to anything is to show don’t tell. Everyone, including me, can talk a big game about anything.  Talking is easy.  Don’t talk about it.  BE ABOUT IT.  In a grammatical sense, the verb “be” is a very slippery thing.  When used as I am using it, it is in an active state.  But, it can very easily turn into something passive if you let it.  Same goes with goals or anything else.  Why do New Year’s resolutions often fail?  Because people talk about it on New Year’s Eve, but fail to BE about it every day after.  As I told my students, it takes a fair amount of effort, work and dedication to Be About It - it is not easy and isn't meant to be.  But no good thing in life is easy.  With my students, I was so tired of hearing, “yeah, I’m going to finish that.  Yeah, I want to be better.  Yeah, I promise Ms. Heather, next time I’m going to….” It went on and on, typically without reward.  I got in the habit of stopping the sentence before it started, to say, “You know what (fill in name here), I don’t want you to tell me about it.  I just want you to be about it, ok?”  And that seemed to get through.  For myself, I have to constantly refocus to maintain a certain level of productive activity that keeps me “being” about my goals.  If you want to lose weight, don’t talk about how you want to do it, just start moving.  If you want to talk to your loved ones more often, don’t talk about how many obstacles are in your way, spend that time picking up the phone instead.  The amount of time that I have spent in the past talking about why I can’t do one thing or what is holding me back from this other thing is depressing.  It’s an easy pit to fall into.  Actually, it happened to me with this post.  Yesterday was a long day and I kept falling asleep at the computer while writing.  This morning, I was really feeling that sluggish, “I just don’t wanna” vibe when I sat down to finish.  Then I laughed when I reread my topic, thinking, “this is perfect, Heather, just shut up and BE about it!!”  Say it how you like, “Show don’t tell” “Little less talk, a lot more action”  “Walk the walk” “Just Do It” – it all amounts to the same thing.  In order to maintain a forward motion in any pursuit – Be. About. It.

Lesson 21: When You Know Better, You Do Better:
This is actually a quote from Maya Angelou that I heard a while back and it instantly struck a chord with me.   You often hear people say, “well, you didn’t know any better” or “You definitely should have known better.”  Seems like an easy thing to say, but the truth is, we don’t always “know better” do we?  Life is one big classroom where you are constantly learning how to do things the right way, because most of the time, this behavior doesn’t necessarily come naturally.  Ms. Angelou, appropriate to my theme, says, “You did in your 20’s what you knew how to do and now that you’re in your 30s and you know better, you do better.”  My teen years and early 20’s were definitely a mess of hard lessons against an ugly backdrop.  I was always trying to make the right decisions, but as anyone who has been that age before can attest, it’s sometimes an impossible task.  For a long time, I carried my past life and experiences around with me in heavy, invisible suitcases.  That baggage was not only bulky and awkward, but incredibly exhausting day in and day out.  When I heard this quote, though, I realized that I was holding myself hostage to those experiences – punishing myself, or pitying myself, or whatever I could to deal with them.  The truth is, though, none of it was working to help me move forward or learn anything – I was just in a continual state of suffering, judging myself every day for what had transpired long ago.   You don’t have to be who you were and you don’t have to continue doing what you did.  Therein lies the lesson – you didn’t know better and now you do; so, you do better.  You should not be judged in this moment for the person you were 2, 5, or 10 years ago; but, instead the person you are now and are trying to become.  Your past shouldn’t bring shame or embarrassment – own it, it’s what taught you to know how to do better.  I’m proud of all that I’ve been through up to this point.  It’s been a full 30 years so far and, with what I have gained in that time, it should be an even better, wiser, more confident 30 years to come.  I’m so ready to hit my stride in my 30’s and not at all ashamed to say my age.  I say, bring it on – I’ve got knowhow to spare and I ain’t afraid to use it.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

30 Lessons Continued...


Lesson 24: Every relationship you have, no matter how long or short, is meant to teach you something
This is something I have learned many times over and continue to learn to this day.  I’d like to clarify, too, that the term relationship is extended to any kind of relationship – family, friend, romantic, platonic, acquaintance.  Sometimes these interactions are so brief – weeks, days, even hours – and have such a significant impact.  But the ones I have learned from the most have been the ones I thought would last forever – both platonic and romantic – but ended, sometimes suddenly and sometimes over the course of time.  In the moments of loss of those connections, I felt both relief and devastation.  Relief that I could let go of the tension, stress and anxiety the relationship brought; devastation at the idea that I might never interact or talk with these people again after they were such a huge part of my life.  In the wake of these losses, though, I continue to realize all of the lessons I learned from having known those people at all.  Typically, the lesson circles around an idea of self-realization and all of the things I learned about myself over the course of the relationship – who I am, who I want to be/don’t want to be, and who brings out the best/worst in me.  I’ve come to realize that, although I still hold a lot of sadness about the fact these people aren’t part of my life anymore, I was always meant to know them and experience the time that we shared.  Maybe we are only meant to have certain people in our lives for specific amounts of time.  That’s all we’re allotted.  They, too, go on to shape their own lives with what they learned from our connection.  It doesn’t make it any less hard to let them go, but it does make me think more in the moment about the relationships I currently have.  Am I applying what I learned?  Making better choices?  Living in the positive and giving more than I get?  No one wants to repeat mistakes they’ve made in the past that led to the ruin of a previous relationship – what would have been the point?  But bad habits are the hardest to break, so awareness of the behavior and its link to that person is key.  Every person you share a moment or set of moments with can, and should, have an impact on your life.  Look for those lessons - they are sometimes the most poignant and impactful.


Lesson 23: Know when to let go. 

In connection with Lesson 24, I felt it most appropriate to follow up with this lesson.
  It’s definitely an extension of the relationship lesson; however, this idea extends to anything in life that we cling to with white knuckles.  I think, more often than not, it is a person or relationship, but I have experienced it also with a place, an idea, a career, and even an item.  For instance, for many years I wanted to be a particular kind of teacher in a specific kind of setting.  As time has worn on, though, I have loosened my grip on that idea in order to make room for a new dimension of education in a sphere I had never before considered.  Because of the difficulties I have faced finding a job in the current market, I have expanded my scope and now see my options as an educator are so varied and can take so many shapes.  In the moment that we cling helplessly to something, we usually feel like we are making the right decisions and doing right by ourselves and others. It isn’t until we let go that we can truly see the detriment we were committing by hanging on.  In relationships, sometimes this can be as severe as any form of abuse or something so subtle as continuously letting your own desires take second place.  The smallest digs and cuts, especially given over and over again, can be the most fatal.  Even though it is essential to protect your relationships and work hard to make them work, there is something so vital about knowing when to say when.  It doesn’t always have to be all at once, letting go cold turkey - sometimes loosening your grip a little at a time can show you just how far removed you are from what and where you should be.  It’s difficult to recognize in the moment, but the letting go of situations that just don't seem to fit always leads you to what/where/who you are meant to be.  It’s like they say – “you know when you know” and if you don’t know what that means or can’t appreciate what that really feels like…then you don’t yet know and maybe need to loosen your grip on something to be able to see a little more clearly.  Protect what’s real and true, but know when to let go to allow your greatest potential to be uncovered.


Lesson 22: Learn your love language. 

Since I have discovered this genius theory about love languages, I have been preaching it from the rooftops.  In short, Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor of over 30 years, discovered over the course of his work that, for the most part, when couples experience problems in their marriage, the issues can be traced to a kind of love miscommunication.  Basically, people both give and, subconsciously, expect to receive love/appreciation through 5 different avenues: 1) Acts of Service, 2) Words of Affirmation, 3) Quality Time, 4) Physical Touch, and/or Receiving Gifts.  Each person has one language, more than the other 4, that is most prominent.  More often than not, people you share your life with are not likely to “speak” the exact same language as you – therefore leading to conflicts and disruptions in the lines of communication.  Now, I won’t go into detail, as I blogged about this a short time ago.  What I will say is that Dr. Chapman is on to something here.  Not only does he have years of experience from which to work, but his book has been on the NYT Bestsellers list for 292 weeks, as of this post.  Each year he has sold more copies than the year prior and has never done any advertising or promoting of this book.  People have just been spreading this book around by word of mouth as they discover the ideas inside.  It’s all so simple, too, that it’s hard not to have one of those “Good lord how did I never see it this way before?!” moments.  Ryan and I have both taken the quiz and discovered our languages, which, immediately, illuminated for us some of the missed connections we’ve had in our own relationship.  I think the larger picture here, though, is how important it is to be aware of how you not only give your love, but expect to receive it – from anyone.  Dr. Chapman has now even developed his love language practice to include discussions about learning the languages of your children.  Imagine all of the conflicts that could have been or could still be avoided if parents had a clue where their kids were coming from.  How many parents have said, “I don’t even know who you are!”  Well, that could be because they are actually not even speaking the same “language!”  The ideas behind this theory, as I said, are simple, but so incredibly powerful.  I have a completely different understanding of not only myself and how I interact with people, in general, but of family members, friends and various loved ones who may have missed the mark for me a time or two.  It could be that I was expecting one thing and they were saying that thing in a completely different way.  Take the quiz – it takes all of 5 minutes.  It’s a simple thing to do that could very possibly change the way you see yourself and others around you.  You can spread love all day long, but if people aren't receiving it because they're expecting it to be expressed in a different way, missed connections will abound!

Friday, July 12, 2013

30 Lessons Continued...

**I definitely dropped the ball on posting these - let's try this again...**

Lesson 27: Learn how to take a compliment.


This has been a difficult one for me to do and I am definitely still working on it.  I’m not sure what flaw it is that exists inside me that makes my inner voice question the motives of someone giving me a compliment.  It has always made me uncomfortable, though.  I blush, get shy, turn away and sometimes outright deny, deny, deny.  I’ve been known to take sarcastic ownership, like, I can turn “I love your shirt” into a snarky “Thanks, it’s because I have amazing taste.”  Or worse, instead of just saying thank you, I might create a caveat to the compliment like, when someone compliments my cooking I might say something like, “yeah, it could probably use more/less (fill in the blank), but it’s alright.”  It’s silly really.  It drives Ryan crazy.  I married a man who is fantastic at giving sincere compliments in expression of his love and/or gratitude and I sincerely struggle with accepting them and moving on.  The lesson?  When someone compliments you stop analyzing their motives – just smile and say thank you!  It doesn’t make you look self-aggrandizing or egocentric.  Take ownership of how awesome you are, because everyone deserves to be complimented, especially for their hard work.   When you refuse the compliment you are both displaying a low sense of self-worth and insulting the sincerity and taste of the person complimenting you. 



Lesson 26: Be strong, understand and respect your body 
This is another of the 12 Woodcraft Laws I learned all those years ago - it stuck out to me then and it sticks with me now.  Back then, I saw this as more of a physical strength kind of thing – which, I had.  I played sports, hiked all over the Adirondacks, swam like a fish and rode my bike for miles and miles all over my town.  As I got older though, as is wont to happen, my body changed and, even though I worked out and stayed active, my body required more to be “strong.”  During this shift, I came across this statement and finally the part about “understanding and respecting your body” really set in.  I’ve always felt strong, but it’s more than that.  I started doing Pilates 5 years ago and it gave me a whole new understanding of what it actually meant to be strong.  It gave me more clarity on this whole understanding and respecting my body business.  I got a reality check about this after my c-section.  As I enter my 30’s, I feel really in tune with what makes me feel strong and what detracts from that feeling.  I also know a lot of people, older and younger, who have no recognition of this feeling at all.  Not that they aren’t strong, but they don’t know from where they are strong or how to cultivate that strength.  Your body, aside from your brain, is the only physical thing you have that is truly yours.  No one else can lay claim to it, no one else can understand it the way you can, and no one else can hear what it tells you.  Although I still struggle with losing a few pounds here and there to have the physical aesthetic I’d prefer, I am strong and I take ownership over that feeling.  I have also learned the imperative necessity to be able to hear when my body is trying to tell me something and how to go about addressing the issue.  I’m not someone who hits the gym every day and I can’t commit to a complete clean eating diet, but when I wake up in the morning, I feel in tune with what’s going on within.  We understand each other, which, in my opinion is a big deal if you ask any woman who has ever felt like they don’t recognize the body they live in.  I understand I will never get out what I don’t put in, and although that’s sometimes frustrating, it is what it is.  This body created life, it houses the brain I am still paying for, and it has made it through some pretty demanding requests on my part.  And, although I am not always happy with my body, I definitely respect it.

Lesson 25: Stop apologizing for everything, but know when to say “I’m Sorry.” 
I went through a phase in my late teens and early 20’s when I apologized for everything.  I apologized for things I did, for things I didn’t do, for things other people did, for the weather, for anything and everything.  It was compulsive.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it until one of my friends pointed it out one day and said, “Stop apologizing for everything!  It’s driving me crazy!”  I struggled with the impulse to apologize to her for how often I apologized… In that moment, I started taking stock of how often I said “I’m sorry” and was shocked when I realized how addicted I was to expressing this sentiment.  It was much akin to when someone makes you aware of how often you say “like” or “um.”  Suddenly, once you’re aware of it, it’s the only thing you can think of to say and you struggle with the effort to cut this word from your vocabulary.  It took me a while, but I was finally able to stop.  Someone told me once that by apologizing for everything all day long, it took the weight away from the phrase when I needed to apologize for bigger things.  That really stuck with me.  But that’s the trick, isn’t it?  I have found that saying “I’m sorry” in those moments when it is most important is sometimes the most difficult action – even if I’ve spent all day saying it.  I guess it is the pride swallowing ownership of a really hurtful situation that makes it hard, but knowing when to say “I’m sorry” and really mean it is so crucial.  Saying sorry to someone you bump into is easy, but saying sorry to someone for a hurtful comment or action is such a different story.  Sometimes that verbal recognition of the wrong doing is all a person wants or needs, but it can be easily glossed over or overlooked. I’ve also found that people often have a longer and stronger memory of a time when sorry wasn’t said and needed to be, than of a time someone wronged them and apologized.  It’s only two words, but they sure do pack a punch when used appropriately.  As I begin to teach my daughter about “I’m sorry” and forgiveness, I find myself taking a mental note: forgive the action, don’t forget the apology and always, ALWAYS mean it when you say it.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

30 Lessons, for 30 Days, to honor 30 years

In honor of my 30th birthday, I decided to take on a 30 day challenge of my own.  In the 30 days leading up to my birthday, each day I posted to Facebook one lesson that I have learned over the course of my life.  I wanted to share these lessons with everyone I know, love, and maybe haven't even met yet.  I will post them in chunks, but I wanted to get them on my blog so that if people missed one here or there, they can be easily found.  I hope you enjoy them and feel free to leave some of your own lessons for everyone to see! 

Lesson 30: Say thank you…and mean it

My mom taught me to say thank you when I was very little.  She told me that you should always say thank you, any time you can.  As I got older, I realized that not everyone says thank you as often as they should.  As someone who has worked in food service, education, customer service and as a nanny, the number of people who DON’T say thank you is a lot bigger than you might think.  It’s a small phrase that takes milliseconds to say, but makes a huge impact.  I say it whenever I can, when someone says “Bless You,” when a waitress refills my water (every time), when someone lets me merge in in traffic (with a wave, but I say the words in my car just as good practice).  For the number of times I’ve wished I had heard it, I remember to say it.  And it means just as much in these small situations as it does in those big moments when you should definitely be remembering to say it.  But you can’t just say it, you need to mean it, which is the hardest part.  Sometimes, on those tough days when even meeting another person’s eye is difficult, saying thank you is a daunting task.  But, I have learned that looking that cashier in the eye, when they too might be having the worst day, and saying thank you with a smile not only makes their day better as they smile back, but it immediately changes the direction on my day as well. 


Lesson 29: Celebrate the little things 

If there is one thing I have learned from living with a toddler, it is that celebrating the little things can really help boost your own daily morale.  I love seeing her give herself a round of applause for something like putting a stack of blocks together or finishing a book – a feat I seldom get to accomplish.  I don’t want her to ever lose that sense of accomplishment for her own personal triumphs, big or small.  I know, for myself, that getting caught up in the minutiae of day to day life, trying to tackle “to do” lists, putting checks in the boxes, making people happy, keeping it all together, etc., makes the feeling that I have accomplished anything productive at the end of the day seem impossible.  I would just fall into bed, downtrodden and relieved that the day was over, while also sighing about what is on tomorrow’s list instead of reveling in all the things I DID accomplish.  Now, though, if I just remember to stop for a few moments and celebrate, in some small way, anything that I happen to get accomplished, it really does lighten the load a bit and put a little motivated spring in my step.  I don’t feel so bogged down by my “to do” list, as I do feel motivated to see myself accomplish a small goal.  I guess it’s just a way of reframing your mind, but I have come to enjoy my little personal rounds of applause and mini dance parties.  A cocktail at the end of an exceptionally productive day never hurt either…
  

Lesson 28: Be kind. Do at least one act of unbargaining service each day

This is actually one of the 12 Woodcraft Laws that I learned many years ago.  There are a few more on my lessons list, for you TLers out there.  I didn’t fully appreciate this one back when I was 14 – I know, weird, right?  But, as the years wore on and I came back to the Laws, this one crept up on me.  I find myself thinking of it all the time.  It seems like  a no brainer, but how often does it happen that you see someone who needs something and, in that moment, you pass by because you figure “oh, they can get that” or “I just don’t have the time at the moment.”  But the key to this lesson is that the act must be unbargaining – there’s no return on this act, no benefit to you and just may make you go out of your way a bit.  I have found that the most unbargaining acts are for complete strangers – because there is no emotional tie “making” you do whatever it is that needs to be done.  I have one amazing example.  One day I was sitting at a red turn signal and across a 4 lane intersection an older gentleman on a motorized scooter was trying to cross the road on a “walk” light.  I happened to look over at him as he was making his way off the curb, noticing that he was crossing an exit ramp from the highway.  He got stuck on the curb with most of his scooter out in the lane, not able to back up or move forward with the light sure to turn green soon.  I wasn’t sure anyone else was paying attention and, despite the fact I was 4 lanes away, was seriously considering going to help him.  When all of a sudden a guy on the opposite side of the same exit ramp jumped out of his car, ran over and pushed him across the intersection into safety.  I breathed an audible sigh of relief and thanked whoever’s up there that there are still people out there willing to be kind, despite where they need to be or who might need the help.  That was unbargaining service at its best.  What killed me was that the people in the two cars inches/feet away from this, and probably watching through their windshield, didn’t even flinch.  I will be the first to admit, I don’t help every time I’m able, but it’s usually in circumstances a lot less dire.  I suppose it’s a flaw of the human condition, but one that you actively choose to pursue.  I’m working on it for myself, trying to be kind through both my words and my actions.  Some days it’s harder than others, but it’s ultimately an easy way to keep the positive energy circulating. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Deconstructed Resolutions

Have you ever watched the show The Biggest Loser?  If you know me, you might be aware that I love this show – especially the couple’s edition – and watch it every season.  This is mostly because I believe that, although some of the in-show advertising is ridiculous and the methods are sometimes silly, at the end it really does change a lot of lives in a really positive way.  I know a lot of people talk about how unhealthy it is for the contestants to lose that kind of weight in a matter of months and I get all of that.  However, despite all this, I really like the idea that they are really changing, not only their lifestyles, but really tackling some of the core issues that got them where they are in the first place.  I love to see the emotional and psychological transformation more than anything and, to me, it feels like one of the most honest reality shows out there – for the most part.  Over the years, I have laughed at myself for watching it, because I am usually sitting on the couch and eating while I do – I mean, talk about the peak of hypocrisy.  But, I think that’s the idea – it’s on primetime TV, 60% of people who are into this show are doing the same thing.  (I fully believe that the others are like me, DVRing it and watching it later.  But, I do secretly wish that most of these people are watching it while on their treadmill or something.  I’ve read reviews that people do that.  I, however, still sit down and watch it with food, just with my lunch rather than my night time snack…)

The reason I am telling you this is really in tune with my New Year’s ideas.  The new season of this show is about to begin, probably in an effort to maximize everyone’s newly made resolutions.   Recently, of course, I have been talking with my friends about resolutions and have declared that I no longer make them.  I stopped doing it a few years ago, actually, in a bout of self-reflection when I realized that I have never actually kept any resolutions that I have made.  Not really, anyway.  These days I make only one “resolution:” to continue setting small, achievable goals either daily and/or weekly.  I have found, by doing this, I have taken a lot of the stress out of my life caused by feeling like I’m never getting things on my to-do list done.  I have created a more productive environment for myself where I also celebrate my small victories.  This is actually a lesson I have gleaned from having a 1 year old: small achievable goals and small victories. You learn to really live in the moment and celebrate the little things when you are with a 1 year old all day, because that is the sphere in which they exist.  I put the block on that stack successfully: round of applause!  I put the book back in the basket: round of applause!  I washed the dishes AND showered during her naptime: mini dance party!  Small achievable goals have changed my way of thinking about my life.  I don’t feel bogged down by my to-do list anymore, I often just feel motivated to see what I can accomplish in a one or two hour span of time, depending on how long naptime lasts J

In terms of weight loss, though, I will say that this was a drag for me for a while.  Although I have never been overweight per se, after I had the kiddo, I definitely felt like I would never look the way I used to.  I didn’t show a lot of my weight gain until after I had kiddo and, I guess, everything kind of took its time to settle in. It didn’t help that I had to have a C-Section due to Savannah’s size and breech position, destroying any and all of the core that I had spent so long developing in my Pilates training.  My surgery not only destroyed my core, but between that, the nursing, and my tendency to hunch over due to my large bust, I had developed a lot of pretty detrimental back issues.  It took over 4 months of chiropractic rehabilitation and physical therapy to help me get back to place where I could begin some meaningful physical activity.  After several months, even though I was eating pretty well, I still wasn’t doing enough exercise because I was at home alone with the baby, often for weeks on end, just trying to get a shower and a meal in when I could.  I began looking for a job to break the monotony, then getting very frustrated that I couldn’t find anything over the course of many months.  The quiet I found on the job front really deflated my sails and made the weight gain feel like an even bigger problem.  I hated the way I looked both in and out of clothes, I actually hated it when Ryan told me how sexy he thought I was, and I dreaded the idea of going anywhere where I might see people I knew because I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin.  Even then, I knew that these feelings were fueled more by where my head was and less by what my body actually looked like.  I just could not get out of that negative space that was telling me I didn’t have control over anything and I cursed our social culture for contributing to my sense of physical discord.

Then, one day, cruising the Facebook walls during one of Savannah’s naps, I stumbled upon this blog post that a friend of mine had shared.  It totally changed my perspective and snapped me out of my funk, so to speak.  I don’t always take the time to read the articles or posts that are shared on Facebook – sometimes I put a mental bookmark in the posts that look particularly interesting to me, because I simply don’t have the time to read them at the moment.  But something about this post felt different, so I clicked the link right then and read on.  By the end, I felt so silly and wasteful about the way I had been viewing myself.  The author speaks about how after the birth of her second child, she found herself avoiding pictures with her kids because she didn’t like the way she looked, she hadn’t lost her baby weight yet and it felt more important to document her children’s experiences than to get in the pictures herself.  At another child’s birthday party, her daughter begged her to get into the photo booth and Mom immediately felt uncomfortable.  She realized, that day, that she was being selfish by excluding herself from pictures with her children because she was robbing them of their ability to have keepsakes and visual proofs of their childhood moments with her.  As an adult, I don’t know many people who don’t cling to pictures of themselves from their early childhood, especially with their parents in the picture.  My favorite pictures include my mother, who also was sometimes shy about being in a picture because she has always been self-conscious about her teeth.  I am so grateful for the pictures I have with her in them and always wished there were more of them.  I immediately flashed forward to my own life, where I am continuously avoiding pictures with my kiddo because I can’t stop thinking about looking back at these pictures and loathing the way I look.  What a selfish thought, when compared with the idea that my daughter could have pictures of the two of us together, especially at a time when it is just her and I 100% of the time.  Being a daughter, I know how vitally important it is as the mother of a little girl to create positive and realistic views of ourselves as women.  I have a responsibility as her mom and as an independent, free-thinking, bad ass woman to demonstrate and exemplify healthy images of myself that she can mirror back on her own self.  If you’d have asked me even just a couple of years ago, I would have said this same thing – but somewhere between going into labor and the present day I kind of lost my way. 

In that moment, I felt this release.  It almost felt like a physical reaction.  It’s difficult to describe, but my skin prickled by the end of the article and I felt, all at once, lighter.  Like that figurative weight was lifted – only literally.  That day, I took a series of pictures of me and the kiddo and felt so good about it.  And I really noticed her looking at me like I had never seen before.  I was changing my clothes for the day as she sat on the floor just watching me, with this look of awe and pure love on her face.  It was like I was finally seeing myself in the mirror as she has been looking at me all along.  She doesn’t see love handles, surgery scars or cellulite.  She sees her Mama, a vision of womanhood,  all that is represented by having those X chromosomes.  In that moment, I felt both pride in her and my realization and shame at having missed this all along.  Never again – only positive images and definitely no more thinking out loud about how I don’t like how these jeans fit here or how this shirt doesn’t hang right there.  After a couple weeks passed, I noticed that my pants were starting to get looser and I was now able to finally fit back into my pre-pregnancy pants.  I immediately stepped on the scale and saw that I had lost 6 pounds!  Since reading the article, I have lost a total of 11 pounds.  I have, of course, changed my diet and started doing Pilates more regularly.  Plus, being a single mom, trying to keep the house together, the yard work done and chasing a very busy 15 month old girl who never stops moving doesn’t hurt.  But, really, I have been doing a lot of these things all along.  It really has felt like once I let go of the thoughts and feelings that were weighing me down, I started to drop the weight.  I started focusing on my small, achievable goals, started thinking more realistically about my lifestyle and have really tried to do something active every day, even if it’s just taking 20 minutes to rake the yard.  I feel so much more confident and motivated!

Once I really started thinking about all of this, I realized that I suppose this is sort of my pattern.  Several years ago, I had just gotten out of a really toxic relationship that had gone on for too long and created a lot of deep scars…for both of us, I’m sure.  By the end of it, I had gained about 10 or 15 pounds physically and felt at least 150 pounds overweight emotionally.  We spent a lot of time dragging each other down, degrading one another and just emitting nothing by negative energy.  Once it was over, and it took a while to really be over, I went through several days where I just didn’t feel right.  I kept rethinking my decision, scared about the future because I had spent so many years with this person and didn’t know anything else, but also scared about what might happen to/for him.  Fortunately, I lived with two of my best friends in the world, who really helped drag me through those days.  One day, after a night out and a cathartic reconnection with an old friend, I came home and had an emotional outburst during which I sobbed uncontrollably.  After that, I felt that same skin-tingling, lightening sensation.  It was like I pulled the trigger on the last 6 years.  I felt that weight lift.  Within about a month, I lost all of the weight I had gained – and hadn’t changed a whole lot about my lifestyle.  I was pretty broke back then, so overeating was definitely not an option J  I felt then the way I felt after I read the article – like I had a new lease on life, like I had discovered a confidence I never knew I could inhabit, like I was becoming the best version of myself. 

Discovering all of this over the last several months has really given me insight into why I really get into The Biggest Loser.  Maybe 6 months is too short a time to lose 100 pounds.  Maybe working out 8-10 hours a day in an enclosed environment where a diet is provided for you is an unrealistic way to change your lifestyle.  But what those people learn about themselves, their demons, and the things that are REALLY weighing them down?  That is for real and, I swear, is the real secret to their success.  If you happen upon the show this season, or if you are already a fan, think about past seasons or watch this season’s contestants.  There is always at least a few, if not most of them, that experience that initial big loss because of the simple change in lifestyle and then they plateau.  Notoriously, weeks 2 and 3 are the hardest on the scale because of this huge loss.  It is my belief, though, that these weeks are the hardest because that first week represents their physical weight – their surface level weight.  Because they haven’t started chipping away at their emotional weight, they come to a stand-still.  Once they have that first breakthrough moment with their trainer, though, they miraculously lose a big chunk of weight.  I’m no therapist and, in no way, have the authority to hand out advice or instructions.  Also, in no way do I submit this as a true weight loss plan – you still have to do the physical and dietary work.  But, for what it’s worth, here’s what I have learned for myself.  Until you take hold of, recognize, vocalize, and call out the heavy things you are clinging to with white knuckles, real change can never happen.  Once you are aware of those heavy things, loosening your grip and ultimately letting go is the hardest but most necessary part.  We can’t all have a Bob/Jillian/Dolvett in our corner, telling us to pick up the speed on our literal or figurative treadmill.  Sometimes we can find that in the people around us and sometimes we just have to be that for ourselves.   And sometimes it shows up in the form of a toddling, 15 month old girl with wide eyes and expectations of her Mama.  Either way, set your first small achievable goal today and see how it feels.  And really, start small.  Put the laundry away straight out of the dryer instead of waiting; walk up the two flights instead of taking the elevator; show up early for one appointment or date.  Whatever it is, immediately after, celebrate.  Look in the mirror and smile, give yourself a hug, do a 10 second dance party – whatever rocks your world.  Just take a cue from my daughter and take a second to enjoy the moment.  It’s addictive.  Trust me.