I’ve been stewing about this coming entry for quite some time; exactly as many weeks as it’s been since I wrote the last one, actually. The second I put a “part 1” on the title of that last entry, I’ve been thinking about all of the things I didn’t say and what my “part 2” would consist of. I feel terrible it's taken this long, but true understanding only comes with time. It wasn’t until a conversation I had with Ryan a few weeks ago that I really knew where I was going with these thoughts. As the holidays approached, I felt an overwhelming sense of almost pity from the outside. People calling to ask if I’m alright, to make sure I had plans for the holidays, hoping I wasn’t wallowing away in misery over the holidays while my husband is away. I have to say, I didn’t quite know how to feel about all of that. It kind of made me feel like an invalid – do people really think I am ungrounded enough to be wallowing away inside my house, stuffing my face with marshmallows, crying to sappy Christmas music in an effort to weep away my holiday season? Granted, I was definitely missing my husband; but, to be honest, the holidays just didn’t feel real or present this year. Between San Diego’s lack of Christmas cheer or spirit, the 75 degree weather, and the lack of any type of tradition nearby, the holidays just kind of crept up and crept by quietly. Sure, I had a beautiful tree, I did my baking, and wrapped and sent out presents. But outside the comforts of my own living room, the holidays didn’t create their own life like they usually do. I chose to enjoy them in my own way, but I also chose not to wallow in any despair or disappointment. I chose to enjoy each day for what it was.
In an effort to maintain my outlook on life, I do have to consistently remind myself about the importance of choice in our lives. Sometimes it’s not so easy to see or accept that our choices really are what dictate our course of action, our feelings, our reactions, and our emotional involvement in certain, if not all, situations. Especially in a bad situation, the last thing you want to hear is someone telling you to “choose to be happy” or “choose to forget about it.” That’s the type of thing to really piss someone off and send them over the edge. After the fact, though, it’s often a different matter. You can look back at the experience and say, “man, I really could have handled that better” or “why didn’t I just choose to walk away from it?” The challenge is having the forethought to anticipate these feelings and learn how to manifest them in the moment.
I think I’ve done this rather well over the course of the years. I wouldn’t say I’ve got it down to an exact science, it’s definitely still an experiment in the works; however, I’d say that I’ve gotten pretty damn good at reading situations, evaluating and choosing my actions accordingly to ensure my safe arrival at the end of the journey. In essence, I’ve learned how to more efficiently pack my baggage. This concept, in terms of my life, probably isn’t surprising. At work, I’ve become known as a kind of organized and efficient individual, able to sort things out in a sensible manner, both tangible and not. But, I never really put this all together until a conversation I had with Ryan a few weeks ago, as previously mentioned. Somehow or another, while we were on Skype, we started to talk about my past. I’m sure it began with a story about some conversation I had with one parent or the other – I’ve had a lot of those over the years. Ryan started asking me questions that most people end up asking me after they’ve known me for a while: “How did you turn out so balanced?” “How did you learn to cope with it all?” “how did you end up the sane one out of everyone in your family?” Honestly, these are great questions that I’ve never really understood the answers to. Even during my adolescence, I wasn’t sure how I wasn’t some rebellious, angry, unruly teenager hell bent on getting revenge on every adult who crossed my path. All signs pointed to disaster, especially as the years and number of situations filled with torment accumulated. Ryan’s asked me these questions before, of course, but for some reason, we always come back to them. Most people come back to them. It’s impossible for people to believe that I truly do have an even keel and that I’m not in need of some intense therapy. The response I always get from people is, “well, I know I’d never be able to handle it, that’s for sure. I’d be a total mess!” I can appreciate their feelings, definitely. It’s always boggled my mind, that’s for sure. I even sometimes find myself internally questioning my own brain, “are you sure we’re ok? Shouldn’t this be harder somehow? Maybe you could poke around in the corners back there and make sure there aren’t any dark ugly monsters lurking.”
The truth is, no one really knows how much they can handle until they’re in the thick of it. I tried to explain this to Ryan during his questioning. But, as I continued to talk it out to him, explaining what it felt like to go through so much betrayal, abandonment, discouragement, and hurt it became so amazingly clear. Choices. I know it sounds simple, but I really did so often choose to be positive. Ask my friends from high school! Although sometimes brandishing a dry, often sarcastic sense of humor about life, I really did maintain a cheery disposition. Many people didn’t know what was going on until long after the fact, I was so good at disguising it. Even now, calling it a disguise feels wrong. I chose to wake up each morning, chose to take a freezing bath, trudge through the snow and go to school. I chose to use my friends as supports, even though they often weren’t aware of it. I chose to keep myself busy, to continue my school work, and to spend as much time occupying my time at school as possible. I chose the path of least resistance, yes, and it gave me opportunities I never would have found otherwise. By choosing to fall head first into things like the FFA, I found success in public speaking, made friends I still have today, and traveled to towns and states I never would have seen otherwise. I received scholarships and awards, praise and acclaim I never would have known without those choices. What I didn’t know then, was that through all of this choosing and traveling and finding myself outside of my current life situation, I was also learning how to carry my baggage without incident. I turned my baggage from an anchor into a rolling suitcase easily stored in most overhead compartments. By making my baggage more travel friendly, I wasn’t held back by it. There were no fees to pay, no chance of being waylaid because I had too much to get on board, and no carts needed at the end of each journey to help me continue to move forward with all of my bags in check. I worked on my issues in transit, carrying them with me, taking different pieces out along the journey to work on as I was ready. On a greyhound bus, I’d take out the folder about my mom and work on it, staring out the window, listening to our favorite Indigo Girls album on my Discman. On a plane back from South Carolina, I’d open the bag with everything concerning my dad – take a good look at it as I gazed down at the terrain far below me. I chose to own my baggage, carry it with me, and consider it a work in progress.
Now, of course this all sounds a lot easier said than done. Who wouldn’t want to say that they, in the heat of a difficult moment, chose to keep the angry words in their pocket and, instead, say something neutral or just walk away? But it’s possible. It really is possible to take lemons and make lemonade. It’s not so simplistic as all that, no, but it can be done with a little practice – with the right recipe. I think about my baggage this way. Back when I was younger, I didn’t really know how to pack my suitcase. I didn’t have enough experience traveling to know how to pack toiletries separately, how to fold my pants and shirts to make them all fit, or how to include enough without making the weight of it all backbreaking. The first few trips were experimental – trying different methods, different arrangements, even different sized bags. As I put a few notches on my travel belt, the packing got easier; I was practiced. I could wake up in the morning of a trip with little sleep from the night before and pack a perfect bag that fit everything I needed. I had a system. A tried, checked, and balanced system that was fool proof for any journey I needed to embark on, no matter how last minute or spontaneous. I learned how to compartmentalize my things, so they were all easily accessible but also not in the way.
I knew, after only a few experiences, that I was going to have to figure out a method of dealing with the baggage in order to ensure a smooth ride. There was no way around it – if I didn’t figure out how to pick it up and carry it with me, there was no way I was every going to make it to all the destinations I had set in my future. So, this is not to say that I’ve dealt with every last little thing. I still have my issues, absolutely! God knows, I deal with them every day. But it’s in the process of choosing how to deal with them that I’ve learned that not everything that seems tragic has to be devastating. My world does not need to spontaneously combust every time one little piece comes unraveled. Instead of sitting in the middle of a huge pile of things, feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to proceed, I choose to be proactive. I choose to get up out of bed every day, to look myself in the mirror, floss my teeth, eat a decent breakfast and take on the world. Sure, it’d be easy to just slump out of bed, snarl at myself in the mirror and walk out the door angry at the world because I can’t get what I want right now. But, really, what does that accomplish? Who ever had a good day or felt good about themselves with a beginning like that? I challenge everyone out there who reads this: Try to learn how to pack your baggage. In the end, you’re the only one who knows how because it’s your stuff; and your stuff alone. No one else knows your stuff like you do, and so, no one else will know how to arrange it to suit your life. If you get up in the morning and feel the surge of a foul temperament, an inconvenience, a bad day looming on the horizon, take the bull by the horns. It’s not always going to be easy, hell no! But what part of life is easy? You are responsible for making your own good day. If you wait around for other people to pack your bags and plan your trip, you’ll not only never get anywhere, you’ll never go anywhere you want to go. It’s not as hard as it may seem. I promise. I come from miles and miles of travel down a long and arduous road to tell you that it can be done. You can carry your baggage with you in a way that makes it work for your life. It doesn’t always have to have that big pink “oversized” tag on it that you’re embarrassed for everyone to see. It can have wheels or a handle. Hell, it can even be a comfortable and innocuous backpack. Do some spring cleaning, throw out the unused crap and any feelings that’ve been hanging around for any longer than 6 months. If you haven’t worn it yet, chances are, you’ll never have a use for it. Only pack what you need, and remember, there are a lot of hefty fines out there these days for any extra additional baggage.
