So, in an effort to maintain some sort of interesting repartee with my husband while he is gone, I came up with, what I think is, a brilliant idea. Several months ago, while surfing the Pinterest wave – yes, I am an avid follower – I stumbled upon this “30 Things” list. The blogger who posted it here did so in an effort to boost her own blogging efforts, sparking in me a similar inspiration. But, I didn’t want to just outright steal her idea, so I pinned the site, marking it for future considerations. Fast forward to just before the deployment, a lightbulb *bing!* I proposed the idea to Ryan that maybe, since we would be mostly sustaining on emails alone, that we challenge ourselves a little bit. I proposed to send him one question a week for every week of the deployment and we would each have that entire week to formulate and send a response to said question, in the hopes that maybe we would have at least something to write about when the mundane details of everyday life got a little boring to explain. He was thrilled with the idea, as he too was looking for a little inspiration to boost his writing sensibilities, so we began.
Well, it has been going great! We have both found that this has been an
incredibly easy and focused way for us to isolate some of the minor little
nuances of our life that we might not have otherwise ventured into
discussing. It has brought up lots of
questions and sparked conversations that have carried our emailing to a much
more interesting place. We keep
marveling at how much we have been learning about each other, after we had gone
along thinking we knew so much! Oh how
much the “newly” married have to learn.
At any rate, this lengthy discussion brings me to the
purpose of this post, which has much more to do with the greater good. Or so I hope.
The most recent question Ryan and I spent time answering was “What is
Your Love Language?” This is actually a
question that I had wanted to look into more for quite some time now, as
someone had enlightened me to this idea and book a long while ago. As it turns out, Ryan had also heard about it
and had secretly wanted to discuss it as well.
Weird. The basic premise is that
a psychologist who had been seeing clients over the course of 20+ years started
to notice a pattern in the couples he had been counseling. It seemed to him that, in general, people
tend to express or “speak” their love in a small variety of ways. He narrowed these “languages” down to 5: 1) Acts of Service; 2) Receiving of Gifts; 3) Words
of Affirmation; 4) Quality Time; 5) Physical Touch.** According to the good doctor, everyone has one
“language” which they speak to other people more than the other 4. And, maybe not necessarily the same, they
also have one that they need spoken to them in order to feel loved. It is possible to have 2 tie for first, as I
did, but generally one outweighs the others.
What is most interesting is that the language you think you speak is
sometimes not the one that ends up as your actual first language. The fascinating part comes when you try to
compare your own language with those who you love, to see where there may be
some kind of disconnect. And there
typically is. There is a quiz here that you can
take to determine where you stand in the love language realm, but allow me to
tell you a little bit about the revelations I discovered for myself.
So, as I have few secrets, here is how I scored on the
assessment: 9 Acts of Service; 9 Quality Time; 5 Words of Affirmation; 5
Physical Touch; 2 Receiving Gifts. As
you can see, I had two languages duking it out for first place, but once I saw
the results in black and white it was like another lightbulb went off,
*Bing!* Of course! Why could I never put that together? I am a total and complete Acts of Service
lover! I mean, so many things clicked in
my head in the moment I finished the quiz, namely the fact that I felt like an
idiot for never having put this together before. The reason I sometimes seem like an
overachiever to others and why I sometimes feel undervalued, and ultimately at
times, underloved, is because I both give and expect to receive love through
Acts of Service. I like to make people
things, do for others, cook them meals, bake them treats, etc, etc, etc. Talk about an epiphany. Around our house, I am always acting out this
language with Ryan and am always disappointed when my efforts are not
reciprocated. As it turns out, Acts of
Service fell last on Ryan’s survey with a whopping 2 points – yikes. Not yikes in an “I’m judging you way,” yikes
in a “wow, we are on completely other levels sometimes” way. So, you can imagine that our conversations
revolved around the ways in which we could work on bridging the gaps between
our languages.
In terms of the other results, at first I was really
surprised that Quality Time beat out Words of Affirmation. In terms of my relationship with Ryan, I
value our time together so much and I think that is one of the most valuable
lessons I have learned from our military life: how to truly value each and
every day that we spend together. I just
also know how lucky I am to be married to someone who is so forthcoming with
his feelings about me as well as his constant declarations of my beauty and his
words of encouragement. On that scale,
he definitely gets a 10 – he knows exactly what to say when I need him to say
it and even when I don’t know I need it.
As a matter of fact, in our discussion we figured out that he has a keen
ability to know when I am feeling a little less than supported through his
lacking Acts of Service and makes up for it by speaking more Words of
Affirmation, which ranked higher on his list.
He admitted that he realized through this activity that he does that,
but also made the startling realization that I have been speaking my Acts of
Service love to him from our very beginning and he, like me, felt like such
dope for missing my sometimes very obvious pleas to fulfill that need. Instead of thinking
that I just wanted help with mundane household tasks, he saw that really I was
subconsciously pleading to be recognized and acknowledged. This
is starting to sound a little too “shrinky,” I know, but honestly, it has given
us both a great deal of insight into our understandings of each other as well
as our relationships with those around us.
When I started to think about these results in broader terms,
it began making more and more sense to me.
Because, I grew up in a family where words of affirmation and physical
touch were not really highly used or regarded, these are languages that I
didn't become versed in "speaking" until much later in my life. I think I am still learning how to feel
comfortable expressing them in some ways.
I have never been a person who could always verbalize how I felt very
well or even say the right thing at the right moment. Believe it or not, in a lot of ways I have
always been a relatively shy person when it comes to verbally expressing these
things - I've always been better in writing J Spending time together, just hanging out and
doing things, that's how my family has always communicated love. That, and doing for each other. I mean, when I really go back and think about
all of this, which I have - at length - it really brings together a lot of
ideas about me, my family and the ways I have viewed our relationships up until
this point. Receiving Gifts was so very
low on my list, which was not a shock either, because honestly, I haven’t often
been on the receiving end of many gifts and therefore it has never been an
important thing in my life. Growing up
with limited means often put the focus either on other things or just made the
one or two gifts we did get that much more meaningful. This was a big lesson for me growing up that
I intend to carry on – no 50 present Christmases in our family. I have a solid understanding of why this is
so important for some people out there, who maybe speak the Receiving Gifts
languages more than others, but for me it is the thought or the act behind the
gift that means the most. That isn't to
say I don't love receiving gifts, it really does always make me feel special
and communicates a kind of love I often overlook. I also definitely love giving gifts, but really,
in the grand scheme, that could fall under Acts of Service J When put up against other things, for me, gifts
tend to fall to the wayside in terms of importance because so many other things
took a focal point throughout my childhood and adolescence.
So, is this test foolproof, definite or
conclusive? Probably not. There is a chance you could take the quiz and
find out that it doesn’t factor out for you.
The key is definitely to be completely honest with yourself when you
answer and don’t try to give the answer that you think you’d prefer to give –
like in those magazine article quizzes. You
know who you are! At the very least, by
just reading over the Love Languages and thinking about them in terms of
yourself and your relationships with others, can offer a great deal of insight
into why things don’t tend to go your way or work out like you plan. It offers a crucial insight that could be a
good jumpstart to any New Year’s resolutions you might be thinking about. I have always found that the New Year is a
great time, maybe not for overhauling your life, but maybe just taking stock of
what’s going on, what you’re feeling and what changes you might need to start
making for yourself or those around you.
(An interesting note, too, as I just discovered by returning to the website after not having seen it in a while, he's added some profiles for apologies and appreciation that I intend to explore, as well as information about a child's languages. Could prove to be an interesting insight into your parent/child dynamics...). If nothing else, it’s just a fun quiz to take and keep in the back of
your mind. It might also help you
understand why your significant other refuses to put their socks in the hamper
or keeps forgetting your birthday – it might not be because they don’t love you
enough, it could just be that you aren’t speaking the same language. #1: Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
#2: Quality Time
For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
#3: Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
#4: Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
#5: Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
