Boy, have I learned this one. I have been truly blessed thus far by the people with whom I have had the privilege of sharing my life. I think it speaks volumes that some of the closest people I have in my life have been my friends since grade school. I am the kind of person who mates for life, for lack of a better term, especially in my friendships. I really value the bonds I have made and have put my trust in people who have repeatedly shown me that they have my back and always will. The friends I have made in the more recent past have been equally amazing additions to my life. All in all, I have an amazing group of people around me. I have found that one of the easiest things to do is take for granted the access you think you have to these people with whom you share your life. As my closest friends and I have found ourselves moving, physically, in opposite directions from each other, we, of course, promise that we will keep in close contact no matter what. Inevitably, though, this is something that is easier said than done. Jobs, kids, life, and everything else makes the hours of the day vanish before your eyes and all of a sudden, it’s been weeks, even months, since you have spoken on the phone. My friends and I have gotten into a fantastic habit of making Google Hangout dates every couple of weeks, which we all try and show up for. Not for nothing, but modern technology especially Facebook, has been a Godsend in making daily contact more accessible. With these advances, we are able to not only see each other, but see each other’s kids, fur babies, homes, and anything else – it’s like being in the same room with each other…but not. We also try and get together at least once a year, which, although challenging, is so important to us being able to maintain the feeling of family that has developed between us. But it is so easy to just assume that the people to whom you are closest will always be there, available to catch up, listen, or offer advice. With all of us having to be so far apart from each other, I have really come to grips with the reality that the people you love and trust most are not always going to be right there with you every step of the way, like you may have once planned; however, that doesn't mean that you should shirk the duties that come with being and keeping a true friend. Finding one or two people who you would trust with your life, nevermind an entire group of people, is no small feat. If you are as lucky as I have been and have any of these people in your life, protect those relationships with everything you have. In a crisis situation, you need to have a full corner to back you up. In order to assure that support, you need to do the work to make it happen. As we get older, our friendships become increasingly more important, but increasingly difficult to maintain as life gets more complicated. Do the work. Show the love. Don’t let those people that mean the most slip away when you aren’t looking. You won’t know how it happened, but you will certainly miss them when they are gone.
Lesson 8: You can’t trust everyone, but that doesn’t mean you
shouldn’t trust anyone.
Trust is one of the trickiest tools of life. It is the hardest thing to find or gain and
the easiest thing to lose. It can take
years to fully gain someone’s trust, but can take just moments to lose it
forever. I struggled with trust for a
long time. It’s hard to put your trust
in others when you have been left behind, forgotten, hurt and betrayed. Eventually, though, you get to a point when
you realize that, in fairness, you can’t hold against some what has been done
to you by others. Just because one
person, years ago, hurt you in a certain way, doesn’t mean that everyone will
betray you in the same way. It isn’t
fair to the people in your life when you punish them for things someone else
has done to you. You can’t protect
yourself from hurt ever happening to you.
That’s no way to live. Instead,
you need to be aware of your surroundings and read the signs when they come. People will always show you who they are if
you are willing to see it. And, like
Maya Angelou says, “when people show you who they are, believe them!” People show you their true colors all the
time, through their words and actions.
How often have you spoken with a friend who said something like, “yes,
but he/she just did it that once…they were honest about it, I think that counts
for something…” and you rolled your eyes thinking that you haven’t heard the
last of this conversation. You sit and
wait for that friend to come back to you, knowing that that friend will get
hurt again by that person sometime soon.
But then, in your own life, have overlooked what someone has done to you
in the same way? The fissures begin to multiply in your trust relationship because of these indiscretions. Those people are showing you
who they are with each action and, often, bank on the fact that you will forgive them an
indiscretion or two or ten before you walk away for good. I’m not saying you should never give people
the benefit of the doubt or forgive someone for something when the situation
warrants it. However, I am saying that
people who are not deserving of your trust will often let you know through their words and actions exactly who they are and what they are about. When someone shows you who they are in this way, believe
that that is who they are and don’t continuously expect them to be something
they aren’t. Don’t hate someone or blame
them for doing wrong to you – it’s likely that you've seen examples of their true nature through previous actions and you either ignored it or weren’t paying
enough attention. I’ve learned this
lesson time and again and have learned to scold myself for letting those people
do to me what I should have counted on them doing in the first place. Placing my trust where, deep down, I knew it wasn't safe. When someone is unkind, selfish, dishonest,
or thoughtless toward you, please believe that that is who they are. Don’t distrust
everyone, though; being an overly guarded person often tells others that you might not be trustworthy. Instead, put your trust in people who show you they can be trusted. Just like with the bad, believe in the good
when it is shown to you. I truly believe there is more of it out there than the bad, but it's easy to get hurt if you aren't paying attention.
Lesson 9: Things change and that’s OK, but some things never
change, and that’s OK too.
If there is one thing I have learned from my life as
a military spouse, it is that things change. And boy, do they! In this
lifestyle, you can never believe that something is definite until you are in the
middle of it actually happening and even then it can still be questioned. Truthfully, I learned this lesson at a much
younger age, it just didn’t sink in as an acceptable reality until I married
my husband. At a certain point everyone has to
come to grips with the fact that change is inevitable and that, without it, there
can be no growth or progression. I have
not always welcomed some of the changes that have come my way; however, in
retrospect have seen how my life couldn’t possibly have happened any
differently. Afterall, it is what it is,
right? In the end, though, it is the way
in which we respond to the change that matters the most and is actually the
only thing we can control in the epic battle of man versus change. Change is ok and, even though it is scary to
accept, we need it and should welcome it.
Sometimes the most unexpected changes can bring us the greatest joys
and experiences we never knew we could have.
That is definitely a companion lesson I have learned in my life as a
military wife – the places we have, and will, go, the people we have come to
know, all would not have been possible without the epic change of the moves and
changes we were asked to make. I think
one of the most frustrating parts about change, though, is the fact that the
moment in which we beg for a change, it doesn’t come. That moment when you wish that person would
change or that your circumstances would suddenly alter somehow is always when
you find change becomes elusive. But,
those moments when things never change are OK too and should, in some way,
provide you with a sense of contentment in the consistency and predictability
of these things we know will always stay the same. This is where developing your sense of “go
with the flow” and “it is what it is” comes in most handy. Be flexible; change is bound to happen but
only you can control how that change impacts your life. It’s like they say, you can’t change the
weather, but you can change your clothes and attitude to deal with it. Ok, maybe no one says that. But I just did, so I guess that works for
now...
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