This is a tough one – don’t mistake the concise nature of the title for an easy topic. One of the hardest things to do in life is forgive. But you can’t move on/grow/do better until you do. To not forgive someone is really a punishment for you. The anger/resentment/hurt is eating you from the inside, not the other person. I once heard that “Unforgiveness unchecked is like Cancer to the soul,” a perfect visual. Nothing else is so negative or can consume you so completely if left unattended. When you don’t truly forgive something and let it go, the feelings associated with the action start eating away at your happiness and starts bleeding out on to other parts of your life. You start misdirecting that hurt toward other people. You have to let it go – it’s done, it’s over. It may have hurt, but the truth is you learned something. Now release it and walk away. With that in mind, forgive does not mean forget, even though the two ideas are almost always paired together - they should never be equated, in my opinion. Let's be honest, no one ever forgets anything they have had to forgive. I actually think the memory of the act serves a purpose, and not just to hold over the person’s head: that would mean you have not truly forgiven. Instead, the act should be an example of how that action truly feels, directing you to consciously make sure you never commit that act to someone else and make them feel the way you felt. Afterall, there is a hard lesson to be learned in every tough situation, right? In all of the cases you’ve had to either forgive or be forgiven, I bet you can easily name what that lesson was. That’s because you haven’t forgotten. Nor should you be asked to forget. The memory reminds you of where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. I’m grateful for all the times I’ve been forgiven as well as the times I’ve been hurt and have had to forgive. I've been on both sides of this one many times, as I'm sure everyone else has. But the hardest side to be on is the side where you realize you have to forgive yourself for whatever has transpired in the first place. Some people (namely me) have a habit of punishing themselves over and over for things that they’ve either done or let happen. Things that could have/should have gone differently, things that not only affected them, but the people around them. It’s so difficult to forgive yourself, because there is no bigger critic and no harsher judge. But, at the end of the day, you have to live with you, you have to look you in the mirror in the morning, and you have to be able to let things go in order to move on and find happiness. Over the course of time, I have found that the more fiercely and angrily I blamed someone else, the more it was me I was actually blaming. At first I directed my anger at whatever one individual it was in the moment, enraged that they would treat me in such an awful manner. When, really, I was mad at myself for letting them treat me in such a manner, for so long. Excuse me while I throw to Oprah – “Forgiveness is accepting that it HAS happened to you, not that it was OK for it to have happened to you. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different,” (I suggest you read that in slow mo – it takes a minute to settle in). This is one of my favorite Oprah-isms and definitely a lightbulb moment for me. It happened, it’s done, you can’t change it – so now what? Skip the grudge and move on, easier said than done, I know, but try it. What have you got to lose besides the hurt, anger and drama?
Lesson 14: You can’t truly love someone else until you learn to love yourself.
Is this a cliché? Eh, who’s to say, but I like it either way
and have learned this lesson over and over again. I think it is one of those things that is said
back and forth between people, usually as advice or as a means to console, but
the meaning of which sometimes doesn’t fully settle. So, what does it mean? To me, it isn’t just about loving yourself,
but truly KNOWING yourself. You might
say, “Well, heck, I’ve lived with myself for years, of course I know
myself.” But do you? Think of all of the questions you might expect someone you’re dating to answer. Questions that you might use to judge their
qualification to be a part of your life.
Do you know what makes you happiest/saddest? Do you have an ultimate goal or purpose? Do you have a spiritual/religious
belief? You have to be able to answer
these for yourself before you can ask anyone else. After you have answered these questions, among others, do
you accept your answers? You may have chosen
a career or goal long ago that may not suit you now. So the answer is yes, I have chosen a career,
but do I like it? Does it fulfill
me? Yes, I believe (fill in the blank), but
am I willing to state that belief out loud to others? Taking ownership of yourself, your beliefs,
your life – taking responsibility for them – is the only way to truly know AND
love yourself. Honestly, it takes a long time to
get to know yourself. Here I
am, looking 30 in the face, and I am still learning things about who I am. Furthermore, it has taken an even longer time for me to
really love me. Things I’ve learned to
help me really love me? I love myself
enough to know that I won’t let another person compromise my beliefs or values. I love myself enough to know that, if a
relationship hurts more than it helps or nurtures me, I can’t be in it; love
doesn’t hurt and if it does, it isn’t the right kind of love. I love myself enough to know that my body is
only what I put into it and ask of it – hating it because I’m told to doesn’t
work. I love myself enough to know that, in the end,
I do come first. This has been the
hardest one for me to fully grasp. Ultimately,
though, if I don’t take care of me first, I can’t be at the top of my game to
take care of others. All this said,
especially the last point, how can you possibly be ready to give your heart
away to someone if you don’t know what’s written on it. Sure, that right person might be the very
individual that helps you answer many of these questions. But, I have found that all the wrong people
actually helped me learn these lessons and it wasn’t until I met my husband
that I realized it. It was so easy to
love him and, 7 years later, it still is.
I feel like the best, most beautiful version of myself; the kind of me
that isn’t self-conscious about whether he thinks I’m
fun/smart/beautiful/thin/good enough.
Because I know, and love, myself enough to know that I am all of those
things and, at the end of the day, that’s all that counts.
Lesson 15: It builds character.
Now, this is something that a beloved teacher, Mr. Bushey, used to say
to me almost every day of my adolescent life.
He was my Ag. teacher and FFA advisor from 5th grade through
senior year, as well as a father figure who gave me daily reality checks when I
needed them. And I often needed
them. I would wager that the number of
times I heard this phrase in my adolescence probably far exceeds any other
phrase ever said. Ever. Because Mr. Bushey had a habit of pushing his
students into each and every public speaking and leadership event that ever
happened in the FFA, he had the opportunity to see me try and fail a lot at a
lot of things. After every defeat came a
knowing smile, shake of the head and the same 3 words. At the time, I would always roll my eyes
saying, “Yeah, yeah. But don’t you think
by now I’ve built enough character for an entire army?” Truthfully, though, his words always did
bring a little comfort. It was the
comfort of the repetition, the fact that he cared enough to say it at all and
the fact that, really, it was true. And
I knew it. I remember one day in
particular, I came to school devastated after learning I might have to move out
of state. This was just after I was
moved out of my mom’s house and didn’t think things could get any worse. When I walked into class that morning, Mr.
Bushey immediately saw my face (having already heard the story from a friend)
and called me outside. Before he could
open his mouth, I said, “Please don’t say it.
I know that someday I will…” and broke down in tears before I could
finish. Mr. Bushey hugged me and didn’t
say anything more – I think we both knew what he would have said was right, but
I had finally reached a day when I didn’t need to hear it out loud. As time has worn on, I hear his voice in my
head every time something bad happens, reminding me that, yes, this too will
build character. All life experiences
(especially the bad ones) shape our life’s purpose; the decisions we make,
both in the face of those experiences and in the aftermath, dictate the kind of
character we build. These experiences
and decisions give us the tools to understand how to take on future challenges
and the strength to know that we can dominate those challenges because we have
seen and handled worse. I had an inkling
of this meaning back when I heard the words from Mr. B, but I couldn’t have
possibly grasped their depth until the tools I had gained needed to be used
again. I am a strong, confident, fierce
woman who didn’t come by these qualities easily. Despite this strength of character, though, I
know I could always use more – you never know what lies ahead and I want to be
as prepared as possible. Thanks for
teaching me that Mr. Bushey; the lesson was heard loud and clear.
#15 makes me weepy and nostalgic.
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