Feel free to take this as literally or figuratively as you want it, but it’s a good one either way. In the literal sense, I have always been taught, and now teach my own daughter, that you always clean up after yourself. It’s an important skill in taking responsibility for yourself and the space you occupy. I’m glad I was taught it and intend on passing the lesson on to my own progeny. Now, of course, I’m not always as diligent as I would like to be. Some days, the dishes will sit there all day and wait for me – but in the land of “single” motherhood, that’s just a choice that sometimes has to be made. But, when I am out and about, I try to be aware of the messes I make and clean them up. Maybe it is my years working in food service, but when I am out at a restaurant, I make sure to leave the table just how I found it – sometimes cleaner. If Savannah’s food is all over the floor and table, I clean it up. I always wipe up spills on the table and I don’t leave crumbs on the seat. In retail stores, if I knock something off the rack, I pick it up and if I unfold something to check it out, I always fold it up the same way and place it neatly back. Maybe this sounds like a little much, but I always imagine the frustration of the person who is responsible for keeping that area clean, finding it a complete mess when they come back to check on it. I’ve seen parents leave some pretty epic messes in restaurants (often as the waitress responsible for cleaning it up) and I try to avoid being that person. Now, in the figurative sense, it is also important to take responsibility for your “messes.” Most of us go through life continuously making both small and large messes in our relationships and interactions with others. We tell little lies; we mislead; we assume; we betray the confidences of others; we make a mess of things. It happens, no one is immune. But the important piece is to recognize when you have made a mess of things and figure out some way to clean it up. You take responsibility for your part in making the mess and therefore lend a hand in cleaning it up. Whether it’s acknowledging the wrongdoing, apologizing for your part or finding some tangible way to make it up to the person, have enough self-awareness to recognize when you have created a mess; have even more awareness to know when and how to clean it up. Think of it as keeping your space clean, that space you occupy in the world, however far it stretches and however many other spaces with which is shares a boundary. Like your mother taught you: keep your space clean and don’t expect anyone to come in clean up after you.
Lesson 11: Laugh.
Now, this is a very simple, but very
important one. It doesn’t take much effort or time, but it can make a huge
difference in your day. And it’s free! Laughing is one of the healthiest things
you can do for yourself and yet, I have met so many people who will withhold or
conceal a laugh. Laughing is the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to better
your health. A good laugh can release tension, strengthen your heart, release
endorphins to lighten your mood, and even decrease stress hormones to empower
your immune system. I have always enjoyed a good laugh and have even been
teased by my friends for my uncontrollable laughing fits that sometimes come
out of nowhere and for no reason. I think the most important laughs, though, come
from when you laugh at yourself. I once heard someone say that “you have to
laugh at yourself, because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.” I can’t
think of anything that is truer than that. I have spent more time laughing at
myself than probably any other person or thing in this world. It’s imperative
to not take yourself, or anything, too seriously. I live and die by finding the
irony, humor and ridiculousness that is present in the course of a life time –
I mean, it can be downright hysterical if you really stop to look at it. I
think the thing that bothers me most, though, is the presence of those people
who make you feel bad about laughing or having a good time. Those people who are a little scared of laughing a little too loudly. You know that
saying, dance like no one is watching? Aside from the fact that it is on every
kitchen magnet, coffee cup, and Pinterest/Facebook board ever created, it is
actually a really good point. I think it is such a popular phrase, though, because it is something that people want to do, but are nervous about how they will be perceived while doing it. They need to be persuaded or reminded that it's alright to have some good old fashioned silly fun, even if it makes you look just that: silly. I have been known to have a public dance party
and/or song break or two and have had the unfortunate luck of being with people
who, feeling embarrassed by my “display,” almost scolded me, encouraging me to
stop. I always swore I would never let anyone let me feel bad about having a
little fun. So what if some strangers at Target think I’m a little weird for
singing in the dressing room or dancing to a song in the electronics section?
You can’t worry yourself with what others are thinking all the time (if ever
at all) – that is something you can’t control and shouldn’t try to, even if you
could. Fun should be measured by the way it makes YOU feel, not the way others
around you feel – within reason, of course. I say all of this with a little
understanding to the point – your fun might embarrass someone who needs to
loosen up, so long as it does not make anyone feel bad, attacked or shamed. So
to those of you who I’ve shared a crosswalk dance party with, or an
inappropriate laugh at an inappropriate time, thank you for carrying on with
me. We’ve done a bit of good for, not only our health, but the health of those
around us who couldn’t help the giggle they had when they saw us being silly.
Laughter is contagious – try to spread it around a little, for the betterment
of everyone’s health.
Lesson 12: Work hard.
If there is anything I have learned from
living in my family, it is this; and not just my nuclear family, but my entire
family from grandparents to cousins. I come from a long line of people who have
an incredible work ethic and strong pride in their sense of “get it done.” I
was raised to know that, no matter what, nothing is owed to me. Whether I have
nothing or everything, a certain amount of work is required in order to earn
what you have and /or need. I can’t put into words how grateful I am to have
been raised this way. I look around and see so many young people coming
up with this sense of entitlement to everything around them. I think that our
media has created a generation of people who think that as long as you find a
way to create some 15 minutes of fame, you are somehow entitled to riches
beyond measure. Meanwhile, what are these people actually contributing to
society? I have always found a great sense of accomplishment and happiness in
working hard. I love that feeling at the end of a productive day that you
really did something, that you made an impact in some way. I have also found
that this ethic to work hard and stay productive has helped me divert attention
away from some of the less positive pieces of life. Which is why a secondary and equally important
piece of this lesson is to Stay Busy but Purposeful. In
middle and high school, I am certain that I only survived my circumstances
because I had so much going on to divert my attention. If I had stayed home
every single day after school, each weekend and each break, I’m sure that I
could have drowned in self-pity, sadness and longing for a life that wasn’t
mine. Instead, because of sports, clubs, school trips, friends and competitive
opportunities I rarely found myself home until 6 PM on the weekdays and out all
day each weekend, which also meant that my brain didn’t have time to sit and
dwell. This isn’t to say that I avoided my problems in order to not deal with
them. Instead, I think it is important to give the brain a necessary break from
the realities of life, so that it doesn’t drown itself in its own thought
processes. There is such a thing as overthinking things. I actually found that
by staying busy, productive and goal oriented that my brain worked through
problems a lot quicker, actively thinking about things as opposed to lazily
dwelling on them. Ultimately, I doubly benefited from this, finding peace for
my active mind as well as completing goals one right after the other. I kept
this activity up right through college, then my grad school career and on into
life. Always finding something to be a part of, a dance class to take, a new
skill to learn – not a distracted mind, but one that is always active and learning
something. I have found that an active mind processes things in a more efficient and clear manner. I am more able to solve issues in my life when my brain is working at a steady pace. I like to feel busy – not overwhelmingly so – just enough to keep me
moving forward. Working hard and staying busy is not just about filling time
and expending energy, either, it’s about challenging yourself and your mind so that you
are always progressing, learning, and growing. I fully intend on raising my
children with this same sense of “get it done.” I hate the idea of producing
any more people in this world who think that by simply existing they deserve to
have anything. I don’t want them to have nothing, of course, but I also don’t
want them thinking that just because they can talk and use their fingers that
they should have an iphone at the age of 7. The mere idea of that sends chills
up my spine. I want them to learn that sometimes working hard doesn’t always
pay its dividends as quickly or as amply as one might like. It does, however,
continuously force you to make deposits in your brain’s bank of redeemable
assets. You’ll cash them in at some point and when you do, just as with any
investment, will be glad you put all the work into making sure you had them in the
first place.
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