And here we are: the culminating lesson -
that which brings them all together.
Plus, it is my favorite of the 12 Woodcraft Laws (mentioned in earlier lessons. If you aren’t
familiar, look them up). It really does
speak for itself, especially in light of the other lessons. It is not just a
lesson I have learned, but a rule by which I aim to live. When I first heard these words spoken, I was 12 years old. I immediately connected with them, feeling a sense of quiet peace at the idea of being joyful. I didn’t have a full understanding of what it meant, but something in the idea really spoke to me. Over the years (the last 18, eek!), I have come back to this phrase over and over again, always with the same peaceful result. So, what does it mean to be joyful? Don’t confuse the idea with being happy –
being joyful is not the same thing as being happy, although one can definitely
result from the other. Happiness is an
emotion that often occurs as the result of something good happening – you reach
a goal; you realize a love for someone who loves you back; you finally beat
your own personal best score in Scramble with Friends. It happens suddenly, spontaneously, and often
without your preparation for it.
Authentic happiness can’t be created artificially, it just happens. Being joyful, though, is an active state of
being that can be solely controlled and sought by you. I think that people often think they can seek
out happiness, but often find that it is an elusive entity. As a fleeting emotion, it can’t be chased or
caught. Being joyful, though, is so much
more than a mere emotion. Joy is finding
that thrill of being alive – whatever makes that thrill real for you. It is a challenging enterprise to identify
the things that truly bring you joy and can often be an exercise in both
honesty and sheer experimentation. But,
once you identify what those joys are and you seek to live for and through
those joys, however they present themselves, you find a reason to not just wake
up, but jump out of bed in the morning (ok, maybe not every morning, but many
of them). Each day, I strive to find those
joys that make my heart smile and bring the thrill of being alive to reality:
the look on my daughter’s face when I enter her room in the morning; the bliss of
writing something that really means something to me; sharing an evening with
people who love, respect and understand me; walking one path with my husband. These are just some of the joys I have found
– with many more to come, I’m sure. What
brings you joy every day? Are you in
tune with these things? Don’t just
recommit to your habits every morning, seek out what brings meaning to your life. No one can be in charge of this search but
you and you shouldn’t want anyone to be.
Be joyful because it feels good; because it’s contagious; and because it
can help define what it truly means for you to be alive.
Lesson 2: Own your age…your real age.
Because this is a birthday generated list, I
put this one toward the top of the heap.
I have never really been one of those girls who hated to admit my age. Of course, I was always in my 20’s
or younger when that was the case, so maybe that’s the difference. Even then, though, I had friends and met
other women who were always denying their age by a few years. Now, when I was younger, I easily
passed for an older age, which I definitely tried to get away with. Never for a bad girl reason, though, like
sneaking into bars or buying cigarettes, (I was kind of a goody), but more for
fun to see how old I could “pass” for.
For instance, when I was a teenager and travelling by myself, alone on a plane or bus, people would often assume that I was heading
back to college. When they asked what
year I was in, I would say sophomore, but may have forgotten to also specify that that meant
sophomore in high school. I was always shocked that no one ever questioned my age - it felt rebellious and exhilarating. Now that I am
older, though, and at an age that many women fear reaching, I don’t deny how
many years I have attained on this planet.
After all, for many years, I couldn’t wait to be in my late twenties or
early thirties just for the mere credibility that comes with it. Although I don’t claim to be an expert on
anything, I do think I am a good listener with a solid understanding of the ways
in which people interact; therefore, I'd say I'm pretty good at giving advice. One of the things that has always driven me
crazy, though, is when someone would tell me “Oh, you are so young, you
couldn’t possibly know…” or “You haven’t seen enough of the world to really
understand…” Ooh, like nails on a
chalkboard. Who are you to know how much
of the world I have seen and what I have learned? Invalidation based on age was always one of
the biggest insults I have ever received and is exactly why I couldn’t wait to
be 30 when I was younger. It's also one of the reasons I always wanted to work with adolescents - to provide them with an ear for listening, who wouldn't shirk their perspective. At any rate, a
while back, I heard a quote that really put into words the idea behind why I
never deny my age: "When you lie about your age you are denying that part
of your life. You are denying the years that you have earned here on the planet
Earth. ...You are denying your very existence." Damn it if I haven’t earned every single year
that I have lived in this place. It’s
been hard work and every single year that has gone by has brought me somewhere,
someone, or something that I needed to find along my way. Some years were harder than others, sometimes
making me wish that I could just take a pass on it and move on to the next
one. And, although there were some
incredibly fun and wonderful chunks of time, I would never want to relive any
one of the years I have already seen. 16
was awful, 21 was fine, but I’d never want to relive what was going on in my
head back then, and 25 was a blast, but boy did it take its toll on my
emotional stamina. I was happy to live
all of those ages, but will say “no thanks” to a second time around. I don't want to be 25 for the 5th time. I look forward to the years that are ahead of
me. I feel like I get better every
single year, learning more about myself, the world around me and the place that
I want to hold in it. I’m just hitting
my stride and am excited for all of the possibilities my 30's hold. I really do believe that you are only as old
as you feel and, up until this point, I always felt older than my age
indicated. Finally, I’m starting to
reach a point where I’m moving in the other direction – the number is getting
higher, but the way I feel is younger and more alive.
Lesson 3: Say I love you and mean it.
This is as straightforward and simple as they
get, but ever so important. Despite this
fact, I was telling someone recently about my list and they thought it was sad
that I had to learn this lesson. Not
sad/pathetic, sad/unfortunate, just to clarify.
I was surprised that she wasn’t aware of how scared people are to say
these 3 little words. In my experience,
these can be the scariest 3 little words you ever came across. But, I also want to clarify that I don’t just
mean “I Love You” romantically, but I mean it in every relationship and
situation in which it is applicable. Say
“I love you” to your friends, to your siblings, and say it to your
parents. I actually realized the need
for this lesson because of how I used to feel about saying “I love you” to
members of my family. We have not always
been the most emotionally available group of people. I actually remember feeling a strange sense
of awkwardness saying it to my mother and my brother when I was a teenager and
had decided that I was tired of not only not saying it, but not hearing it with
regularity. I said it to my mom one day
before I left for school and added a kiss and a hug and I hadn’t seen her so
taken aback in a while. But, once we
started to say it on a regular basis, it filled me with such a sense of
happiness and relief. I started saying
it to all of my family members and it felt so good to really get it out there
to the people I loved. I made a decision
to own those three words and never apologize for feeling them or saying them,
whether they were returned or not. Fast
forward to when I practically blurted it out to Ryan when I had only been
dating him a few weeks. This was
definitely my boldest “I love you” moment and I remember the shock in his face
when I alerted him of my feelings. But I
stand by my truth and reiterated to him that I didn’t expect to hear it back,
only that I felt it necessary to be honest and let him know how I felt. My friends thought I was nuts, but my gamble
worked out…eventually. “I love you” is a
pretty powerful phrase that should be shared, but of course, with meaning. If you feel it, you should say it. You never know when someone is not only
listening, but really needs to hear it.
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