She's Baaack...for reals this time.

Wow.  How is it even possible that over a year and a half has passed me by without even one iota of a posting to my own blog.   It’s funny, because I think about this blog at least once a day.  Once a day for probably 21 months – that’s a little more thought and a lot less action.  Disappointing, I know.  Ryan even asked me several months ago why I hadn’t posted in such a long time.  After a long pause and a brief amount of thought, all I could come up with was “I just don’t feel like I have anything to say.” 

I have always prided myself on my ability to transfer thought to written word in somewhat of an eloquent fashion.  It’s always been my source of salvation when the thoughts in my head get too jumbled, unorganized, or riotous.  And it isn’t to say that I haven’t had thoughts, because where would that leave me?  I just have also always prided myself on the notion that “if you don’t have anything useful to say, don’t say anything at all.”  I suppose I just haven’t felt like anything I have thought in these last almost 2 years has been useful.  After some consideration, I’ve come to realize that maybe this is just an extension of my feeling of uselessness which has grown out of my lack of resolution on the job front.  After almost 4 years of searching and waiting, much to my own chagrin, I have yet to step back into the classroom as a full time teacher.  This has definitely taken its toll on my confidence, patience, surefootedness and resolve.  For a brief time, I was teaching jewelry making to elementary students which was, in its own way, educationally fulfilling.  But, as is wont to happen, that opportunity became unavailable as the business owner relocated.  Currently, I am employed by a school in more of an administrative role than anything else, which is definitely a step in the right direction, but still not quite on point.  At least I’m in the building, right?

More space in my brain is taken up with thoughts about “did I do the right thing in pursuing education” and “how am I going to make this work” than anything else, therefore leaving me feeling like, since I have no answers to these questions, maybe I should just keep plugging away at them until I have something useful to say.  Again with that word.  Useful.  All I’m left with is the questions upon questions that multiply out of the one that started it all: “what am I doing?”  I got nothing.  I started out down this path that seemed so clear more than 10 years ago.  Every step along the way has been taken in the direction of a specific goal – one that was clear, visual, and attainable.  But now here I am, looking around at the dirt path ahead of and behind me and I see that it’s all just a wide open desert wasteland of what was once a forest of my flourishing career goals.  Maybe that’s an exaggeration, maybe it’s not all a wasteland as I’ve met some amazing people along the way and was afforded time to have my first baby.  But who would have believed that education would NOT have been a safe career bet?  Surely not me, as one of the things Ryan and I laughed about in terms of having to move every other 6 months/year was “they need teachers everywhere, so we’re all set.”  I am a big believer in the whole “it happens for a reason” mentality, and I do fully believe that every step taken thus far has not been in vain.  However, as I look forward, my vision isn’t as clear as it once was.  30 is walking down the sidewalk to my doorstep and will soon be knocking and asking, “what now?”  So, indeed, what now?

Well, to start, I have a full blown family now with a tiny human and an adoring husband.  That has become my focus, especially as more children may show their beautiful faces in our near future (not yet, don’t get excited, just more near than far).  With that in mind, along with my hiatus from the educational community, I think I am also shifting my teaching beliefs and philosophy.  What was once a hard and fast rule about sticking by the public school system and supporting that which so many people have neglected has become more of a wavering idea that leans toward homeschooling and charter school education.  As I’ve said, every step has meant something and many of those steps have been taken outside the public school system, in other domains that have not only opened my eyes to the flaws of our public education system, but also to the amazing opportunities that have blossomed in the charter school/homeschool sector.  It really isn’t what it used to be – in a good way. The school I currently work in, specifically, has really broadened my scope for what education can really look like and how much was missing from my public school teaching experience.  More on that in a later post…

With all of that said, I am trying to commit myself to my writing again.  I know, I’ve said this before and I am a terrible personal rule breaker.  I don’t mean to do it, it just happens.  Don’t point the finger at me – I’m sure you’ve done it too.  Just not on a public forum where people can look at the date of your last post and say, “aye, what a slacker.”  Believe me, I feel it more than you think it.  But I’m making a comeback!  Refueled by my recent acquisition of free time in my husband’s absence, I am determined to continue my quest toward career/maternal/personal enlightenment.  Bushwhacked as it may become, the path will be forged.  I can’t say that I know what the theme of this blog will be going forward.  Honestly, I don’t know that it had an actual “theme” to begin with.  At the heart, it is still all about a small town girl just trying to figure it all out; but even more, it’s about a once focused yet wandering educator who is redefining herself and her life’s mission.  Stay tuned, it should get interesting…